Tech the Halls

5) The roaring fire or video yule log has been replaced by a PerfMon chart

4) The door prizes are the recently displaced serial mice from accounting

3) Munchies include SCO pâté on Microsoft "ritzy" crackers, with some Oracle "whine" and PeopleSoft "cheese," followed by some "judicial" Pepto-Bismol

2) Somebody reprograms the Goooooogle appliance to play "These Are a Few of My Favorite Things" -- or is it "... Favorite Sites"?1) The Top 3 gifts to be passed around are a "women of MENSA" calendar, an autographed photo of Bill Gates (the arrest photo) and an autographed copy of Norman Hufflefinger's new book, Sure-Fire E-Mail Pick-Up Lines

Thanks to Robert Foster, Ray Gauthier, Joseph T. Jackson, Jim Lambright, A. Levin, Gregory Mamayek, Nick Nielsen, Douglas Rockney, Dalton Smith, Kristopher Ting and Bob Vandenberg for their submissions.

In the 1950s, scientists at Rand Corp. created what they thought a home computer would look like in 2004. Obviously, they didn't anticipate the demise of the vacuum tube. And we're not exactly sure what the steering wheel was supposed to do.

But they weren't too far off on one point: "With teletype interface and the Fortran language, the computer will be easy to use." You said it, brother. Give me Fortran over Visual Basic any day.

Update: 15 December, 2004. Thanks to all of our eagle-eyed readers for writing in to tell us that this was originally a spoof/hoax posted on the beloved fark.com. Yes, we knew it wasn't real. Damnit Jim, this is a humor column not a news bureau! Please see our post on the Retro Encabulator for further understanding.Before you commit to a new Web browser, consider this: Most dog owners do look like their dogs. To avoid revealing more about yourself than you'd like over the coming year, our world-traveling, psychologically inclined editors have created the following quick guide to browsers and their owners:

apple SafarI -- You love cuddly kittens and silver Porsche 911 Targas (in no particular order). Your stainless steel sink makes you feel very modern. And you still cry sometimes over the untimely passing of Cyberdog. Moof Moof!

Microsoft Internet Explorer -- Strangely, you always find yourself at the most crowded movies and in the longest checkout lines. You tend to leave your house keys in your front door, you think the word tabbed has something to do with a bar bill, and you're seriously considering downloading Donny Osmond's new CD.

LynX -- Your desktop background consists of ASCII art renditions of each member of the Grateful Dead. You still use Pine, and you loathe anything not set in monospaced Courier. You claim this makes you more efficient, but in truth, bright colors scare you.

FirefoX -- Your glass is actually half full. You don't own a junk drawer, and you believe that someone has already created a working ion-propulsion system and superconductive antigravity boots.Netscape NavigatoR -- You most likely drive a 1980s Buick and think its size makes you safe. You know your neighbors aren't to be trusted, and that your television may be listening to you right now.

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