Top 11 Highly Unlikely IT Predictions for 2004

• Bill Gates makes Windows open source.

• IBM introduces a new OS called Indows
• SCO opens a P2P server and is sued by the RIAA
Submitted By Robert Reynolds:

Cisco expands their infrastruture business by getting a Department of transportation contract to rebuilding the Interstate Highways bridge and route system. Interstate 95 name changed to PIX Expressway. -- Shelly Nuessle

Microsoft releases a secure operating system. -- Robert C. Bottner

Bill Gates "gets religion", admits he's overcharged the world for his software, and gives it (the money) back to everyone. He then joins an overseas monastery of some kind in order to serve penance and dedicate the remainder of his life to ministering to poor, homeless rejects of society. -- Doug Porter

Microsoft changes its licensing for all products to the GNU General Public License (which means that its source code is freely-distributed and available to the general public) -- Andrea Letourneau

In response to questions about the security of Microsoft products, CEO Steve Ballmer breaks into a very bad redition of "I feel pretty, oh so pretty..." -- Steve

Microsoft accidentally puts customer needs ahead of marketing and legal departments! -- Michel Labelle

Microsoft fires their chief software architect and joins the open source movement. -- Ihaab Dais

• Microsoft Windows voted by IT professionals as "Most Secure Platform."
• Santa's North Pole workshop discovered and his manufacturing IT runs on Linux.
• Martha Stewart opens a high tech stock-based mutual fund that leverages insider trading deals.
Submitted By Henry Rohlfs

In a stunning turnaround, Google buys Microsoft and fires Bill Gates. -- Ken Gant

India starts outsourcing IT jobs to the US. -- Ihaab Dais

Trustworthy Computing initiative finally pays off for Microsoft and customers agree--Windows is completely secure. -- Ihaab Dais

SCO CEO Darl McBride does not say, "We do not comment on pending litigation." -- David G. Miller

Microsoft releases OpenSource version of Windows OS. -- Fareed Azeez

Microsoft servers become self-aware and begin taking over the Earth in true "SkyNET" style. Hasta la vista, baby! -- Kristopher Ting

George Bush, in response to paternity claims, admits to being Father of the Internet. -- N. Thomas Peiffer

Parker Brothers sues Microsoft for renaming Exchange to Monopoly. -- Kim Mathison

With so many States working on anti-spam legislation - the fact that it will be "illegal" will actually stop spammers around the world -- Dave Newman

In an effort to add performance and security to networks, Cisco Systems has developed an appliance to collect all discarded bits. All encapsulation bits that are normally stripped off, floating around aimlessly on LAN's, and could cause performance issues, will now be sucked in and destroyed by the SBB 9900. New software containing an Emaciating Algorithm vacuums all free floating bits off of the LAN, opening media to real and productive traffic. The 9 slot chassis comes with one supervisor engine, one power supply, and one SBB blade. Additional blades to support larger bucket sizes are available as well as redundant power supplies and redundant supervisor engines. Orders are being taken for Q2 delivery. The base configuration starts at $65k. Additional SBB blades are $32k, supervisors are $40k, and power supplies are $20k. -- Jay Birdsong

Government announces cost reduction plans to limit IPv6 addresses to IPv4 range. -- bob

Microsoft & SCO announce they are teaming up to create "Closed Linux 2005". -- Mark Jass

Consolidating a multitude of servers onto a mainframe resurrects Cobol programmers. -- Jay A Atwood

The DOJ rolls out linux on its desktop PCs. -- David Lynn

Bill Gates states Windows is a scam and fully embraces Linux as "the Best OS". --

Steve Balmer announces a new MS project to build female robotic sex slaves. -- wayne maurer

Novell shuts down Suse Linux in response to industry demand for more proprietary operating system -- matt rotkis

The Bush Administration decides that its cheaper and more efficient to outsource the punishment phase of indicted company executives to China. -- Joanne Francese

No new viruses to take advantage of holes in Microsoft's code. -- Jeff Meadows

Microsoft CIO throws in the towel - demands all employees go back to pencil and paper. -- Jenifer Aydelotte

Hackers agree - Microsoft Server 2004 unbreakable! -- Kraig Dematteis

New Silicon Breast Implants Approved by the FDA and the FCC: They double as auxiliary storage via the nipple interface. -- Hector Fernandez

India running short of IT technicians, outsources jobs to the US. -- Hector Fernandez

Anti-Spam laws actually work. In related news, Charles Schumer becomes God-Emperor. -- Chuck Phillips

I predict that Congress will outlaw IT outsourcing, creating an immediate job market for IT personnel, who by then will have moved to India, China, and the Phillipines to get a job. -- Dan Kwitchen

Microsoft strategists will sleep like babies in 2004 knowing the OpenSource camp will cease to chew away at current and potential market share. -- Edwin Fernando Patzan

• Gates makes decision that Windows Longhorn will be Open Source
• MS abandons IIS for Apache.
• Core of next-generation windows: Darwin.
• The brand new Apple G6, featuring Windows XP!
• .net Framework Apache Module
• RIAA Christmas Present: Free songs for all.

• Intel unveils AMD actually builds the Pentium 4.
• Service Pack 1 for Windows Longhorn.. 2 years before release.
• Catch-all Spam Software hits market (and works 100%)
• "Jingle Bells" Worm.
• Microsoft's new server farm... powered by Xbox (or Xserve??)
• Powerbook featuring Centrino.

• MSN becomes free internet provider.
• (insert-name-of-favorite-webmail-provider) gives free unlimited storage space.
• Server Room Overhaul (complete with Administrative Suite including Kitchen, exercise room, bathroom, etc.)
• Included phone support for new MS software purchases.
• Dell's new user-friendly product line: Apple.
• POTS becomes GigE compliant.
• Microsoft Office System for Linux.
• A non-viral and non-wormed 365 day streak!
• Dell and Gateway Merger
• AOL buys MSN Dialup Services branch.
• MS has to launch a "Switch" campaign.
• The Dell Interns: taking a vacation to Cupertino.

• Projector with integrated PC.
• Voice Response software that works.
• Government intervention to rid the world of "General Protection Faults"

Submitted By J.W. Breeden

Micorosft buys Sony -- Mike Perlman

(11) Microsoft will make all of their software & O/S?s Open Source.
(10) All combined B2B, B2C, and C2C online transactions will exceed $200 billion.

(9) SMB?s will be given free high-speed Internet service, support, hardware, and installation as long as they don?t top a $10MM gross receipts ceiling.
(8) IBM will introduce a comparable server that?s $1,000 less than the competition.
(7) Novell will be absorbed by Microsoft.
(6) AOL will be purchased by Microsoft.
(5) All UCE will be clearly labeled as AD, ADV, ADVERT, etc.
(4) Congress will pass a law stating that flagrant SPAMmers are acting as felonious perpetrators of small business, personal, and corporate resources, and get 20 years to life sentences for their crimes.
(3) The 1GHz system bus barrier will be standard mainboard & peripheral system bus speeds, and everybody will rush to buy them.
(2) NASA will admit that they have been receiving extra-solar, alien technology, and they have been feeding it to the private sector a processor model at a time.
(1) Scott McNealy's house is broken into while he is away at a conference, and the only things his wife reports stolen are 2 Dell Dimensions.
Submitted By Jim Miotke

NAPSTER has a "Remember the good times" Free Software Day. -- Steven Barger

Microsoft actually fulfills its "Trustworthy Computing" initiative by thoroughly patching all of its products at once . . . and, not incidentally, makes patch management obsolete. -- Cindy Byers

Because of all the recent virus attacks, 90% of all Fortune 500 companies are reverting to desktops running MSDOS 5.1. -- Johnnie Ray

• Due to lack of interest from both abroad and within IT management, 99.9 percent of all off-shore IT jobs are being brought back to the United States.
• Survey indicates 99.9 percent of IT shops are allocating time off or increasing time off for all IT employees.
• IT management confronting the dilema of having to enforce a 45 to 50 hours per week for all IT employees. All weekend work totally eliminated except for essential tasks such making sure there is plenty of coffee, soda, cream, sugar, etc for the coming week.
• IT management to implement drastic and extreme measures to insure IT employees take time off for vacations.
• Government officials in Washington D.C., with the combined contributions and efforts from IT management, have developed a vaccine for IT employees. Such vaccine will eliminate all sickness, including but not limited to colds, fevers, flu, high blood pressure, PMS, headaches, and other such ailments. IT management welcomed the news with great enthusiasm that all of the IT managers declined/rejected financial bonuses.
• Microsoft Corporation has announced that it has established a "TESTING & QUALITY ASSURANCE" division. A spokesman for Microsoft stated the sole purpose of such division will be for the testing of all software prior to its release to the general public. The U.S. Dept of Commerce and other members of the scientific and technology communities have launched an investigation as to why Microsoft has made such decision.
• Oracle Corporation has eliminated all licensing fees from all Oracle software products. Oracle executive and principal founder of the internet, Al Gore, said "Hey, you pay once and that's all there is......". The Internal Revenue Service and Justice Departments agreed that such measure will encourage corporate spending, honesty, and overall harmony in work force.
• A survey of 100 percent of all IT employees throughout the United States have shown the continuation of the IT trend of being happy, satisfied with their current jobs, and just over-joyed with their managers.
• IT managers throughout all industries have reported they will be awarding pay bonuses and very generous pay increases to the rank and file. The U.S. Department of Labor, and other members of the government have issued their plans to investigate.

• CNN has reported it will do an about face when it comes to reporting the news. CNN spokesman, Larry King, has indicated the new format will report the weekly top earners in computer programming, database administration, network security, and such. He further added, "This thing about reporting the top movies, top dvd's, and top musical hits, and such gets kind of old". The White House had no comments.
• Due to its tremendous success and happy relationships with its customers, Microsoft will be replacing all of its electronic helpdesks with 'real persons'. When asked why the sudden change, Microsoft executives responded "Well, we have seen as to how the Internal Revenue Service, and WalMart have been highly efficient and successful.....".
Submitted By Juan A. Diaz

Microsoft release Longhorn AHEAD of schedule, Bug Free AND with all that they have promised for the same prices they have now. -- Mark Dooley

Bill Gates joins a monestary, and apologizes to the world for all of his indescretions and sells Windows XP and Microsoft Office at $20 a copy. -- Steven Robert Judson

Mircosoft introduces Spam Server 2004. The ever increasing requirements on mail servers... -- Tom Vardon

Apple to create Mac OS XI capable of running on X86 Intel and AMD architecture. Microsoft market share sags. -- Curtis Payne

• IT budget GROWS 100%.
• Microsoft releases products ahead of schedule and bug free!!

• The new version of Windows does not under go a name change.
• Microsoft release open source programs, including the luxurious notepad!
• An operating system is created that can correctly predict the time it takes to copy a file
• SCO stops taking people to court and goes up against the RIAA
Submitted By Ben Jones

Microsoft eliminates 100% of security vulnerabilities. -- Dennis Bartlett

Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer co-host a press conference announcing "Open Source does work." Microsoft posts Windows source code to the KnowledgeBase. -- Nick NIelsen

AMA helps the college students download music. -- Jeanne Skul

"Before the last consultant left, he said that this is some kind of Windows 3.51 server or something. Oh yeah, he also mentioned that it has to always be up for eveything to work." -- Jon-Paul Raymond

Bill Gates, claiming it was "all a joke", announces full refunds to everyone who ever purchased Windows(r). -- Bob Mariotti

Bill Gates releases source code for all Microsoft Operating Systems and will give the software to individuals for a small donation of their choice. -- Mary Nadasi

AT&T provides free open sourse telephone service -- Mark Kinsman

Microsoft will recode all software using open source linux -- personal use licenses will be free and all source code will be placed in the public domain. The new software will run on all computers regardless of operating system and will be invulnerable to all viruses! -- Rick Burke

Bill Gates seeing the value of Linux launches a new Microsoft initiative to convert all Microsoft tools, applications,OS's, etc... to support Linux. -- Daniel L. Williams

PeopleSoft launches haustile takeover bid of Oracle. -- Daniel L. Williams

"Microsoft teams with Satan to create infrastructure for the anitchrist."

In a move that was a surprise to almost no one, Bill Gates admitted today that .Net was a tool of the devil, and that it was the passport service that is warned against in the Book of Revelations in the Bible, when it tells of a totalitarian leader forcing everyone to accept the mark of the beast - the symbol of the antichrist - before they can buy are sell anything. It is really all so simple, explained Mr. Gates. In a deal struck early in the life of Microsoft, Mr. Gates sold his soul to Satan in return for domination of the computing world. As part of the teaming arrangement between Microsoft and Hell, Mr. Gates has devoted himself to building the infrastructure that will be used when the antichrist comes to rule the world. Through facilities like passport (soon to be renamed passport666) the devil will be able to control all commerce and deny basic sustenance to anyone who fails to worship him.As for Satan, he commented that it has been a pleasure working with Mr. Gates, and that he has never met another man so totally devoid of conscience. -- John Unekis

U.S. military, government, research, agriculture, industry, and institutions using swarming bots for surveying and surveillance. -- John Christian

Hackers delcare moratorium on Microsoft Products -- Curtis Blais

Microsoft will unveil a "new" and improved software licensing package that a grade schooler can understand. -- Peter Gates

• Florida, the first state to allow on-line voting, is once again embroiled in election tension. Not dangling chads... but feeble mouse clicks.
• Intel announces the first soda-pop cooled CPU Chip. Experimenters quickly figure out how to overclock the processor using Jolt cola.

• Skyscraper in Chicago clad in AOL CD's no one wanted. On a sunny day the rainbow reflection can be seen from outer space.
• NASA chooses Windows as the mission-critical operating system for the next-generation space shuttle
Submitted By Tom Obright

All U.S. regional phone companies announced today that they will merge together in order to provide cheap fiber optic access to every building on the planet. -- Jon Egerton

Microsoft issues a non-crashable Windows OS with money back guarentee -- joe bosch

Gartner's centralize/decentralize pendulum will turn out to be a yo-yo. -- Doug White

While surfing the Web for tutorials on how to find bad guys, George W. stumbles across an online dictionary with audio and learns how to pronounce "nuclear." -- Jeff Black

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation establishes an jobs retrainng program for out of work IT personnel, training them in the lucitive fields of telemarketing, sales, and human resources. "All we really have to do is to teach geeky nerds people skills", remarked Bill. "Just like me". -- Bob Vandenberg

Bill Gates will retire and move to Antarctica to start up the world's first penguin ranch. -- Roger Alfors

India outsources jobs offshore to US IT shops. Stating that because of the large number of available programmers within the US has pushed hourly wages down to the minimum hourly wage, India has started moving jobs into the US. This has caused politicla riots in Mumbai and may cause the overthrow of the government. -- William Stolting

Tim Berners-Lee finally admits (after a few beers) that the Web was a plot to destroy American productivity by making them waste enormous amount of time surfing porn. He also admitted that it started as a 2 Franc bet, which he lost. -- Ken Graham

Darl McBride say SCO was "just kidding" after actually looking for stolen Unix code... -- Greg Rutledge

• Bill Gates and Microsoft have negotiated a new date for Christmas; The world should celebrate on or around the 2nd quater of 2004 for the 2003 year. Mr. Gates was quoted stating that "Our new version of Server 2003 will be out in the Januraryish through Mayish time-frame, and all of our retailers are waiting on it".
• Cisco system has announced today that it has aquired all of it's direct and indirect competitors. Cisco's stock has risen to 2 cents per share.
• Intel has announced plans for a new processor rating system; it called: the HOWMUCHSLOWERTHENAMD scale. When asked how this would help their sales, an Intel spokesperson was quoted saying that we deceided to be honest... we heard that is the in thing now, and that our customers may appreciate it.
• Sun Microsystems has announced today that their products are not really as reliable as once thought.
Submitted By John Niziolek

Microsoft builds next generation Windows on Linux platform. -- Gary Gevaert

• CERT will issue NO security bulletins on any Microsoft product.
• Microsoft will announce free upgrades for its Office suite and will include additional applications as part of the package (Frontpage?).

• Apple will announce a leveraged buyout of Apple Records, just so they can get acces to the Beatles catalog for their iTunes music service.
Submitted By John Burgess

Daily usage of new ClueBat v2 shown to actually make users smarter - LAN Admin hours expected to drop to 8 hour/day. -- Nathan Morris