Bill's School Daze

11) Postpone submission of 2005 homework until 2006

10) Sell his class notes, but keep the licensing rights

9) Start a bonfire party, using Linux servers as fuel

8) Create a new drinking game: one shot each time you hear the Windows start-up chime

7) "Borrow" term papers, demanding the "freedom to integrate the ideas of others"6) Buy Harvard

5) Introduce new simulator, "DeepBill," to chess club

4) Fail "Debugging 101"

3) Start BG fraternity (for "Billionaire Guys")

2) Do his senior project on "building a more secure Windows"1) Graduate

Special thanks to Robby Ambler, Jay Arias-Chavez, Ed Benway, Rich Boehne, Michael Iacovino, Steven Matheson, John Stark and Charles Westerfield for taking Dollar Bill to school. Better hide your PCs, guys--we think your Windows contracts may be up.

So you're standing at the printer, holding on to one end of the page while you wait interminably for the other end to come out. "Can't we get a faster printer?" you ask. Well, now you can. IBM says a new model in its Infoprint 4100 series is the world's fastest toner-based printer. How fast? It can print the entire contents of War and Peace in less than a minute. It can print documents spanning the Empire State Building in less than four minutes. Shoot, you could wallpaper your office in the time it would take to call the decorator! Only two problems: The printer is bigger than a Ford Explorer, and it costs $500,000 to $1 million, depending on the options you select. We're going to need a bigger copy room.

Tired of that dull, ugly cubicle? Do something about it! Two new--and vastly different--choices are now available. For you quiet types, there's Hammacher Schlemmer's Oculas isolation pod, an enclosed "egg" complete with massage chair, PC, stereo and TV. No word on whether it has a slot for pizza delivery. For those of you fighting your way up the corporate ladder, Sakakibara Kikai offers the Land Walker, the world's first bipedal exoskeleton, which is a working version of the AT-AT vehicle used in the Star Wars movies or Mech Warriors games. There's no stereo in the Land Walker, but it does come with optional machine guns (yes, real ones) for use in live battle.

LOL

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