The Tribe Has Spoken

We present the Top 11 reasons the next 'Survivor' should not be held in a data center. Plus, the do-it-yourself Grokbot and the really personal computer.

July 1, 2005

16 Min Read
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11) Software bugs aren't edible

10) Raised-floor crawl is not as much fun to watch as mud-pit crawl

9) NetAdmin, Helpdesk and Operations make lousy tribal names

8) Starving contestants might eat summer interns

7) Using Cat 5 cable to strangle competitors could cause network disruption6) Beach sand would clog contestants' pocket protectors

5) Network administrators would always get immunity because they know participants' passwords

4) Scantily clad contestants violate corporate dress code

3) It's too cruel to force competitors to eat the junk in company vending machines

2) "Challenge" schedule conflicts with 2 a.m. computer-room bowling1) Socially isolated people, an ever-shrinking team, distasteful or impossible tasks, constant fear of being kicked out--how is this different from real-life IT?

Special thanks to Steven Bruhn, Frank Carlson, Eric Dauplaise, Greg Harshenin, Eric Huemoeller, Steven A. Matheson, David Mohrman, Scott Sprouse and Ron Turner for their truly tribal suggestions. Some other suggestions we received were lame, and their authors have been voted off the island.

We received dozens of entries to our online "Do-It-Yourself Last Mile Item" contest, which proves that some of our readers have way too much time on their hands. Most of the entries were inspired, and picking a winner was brutal. But in the end, we had to go with Adam Bockhorst's submission.

If you remember, we'd asked readers to fill in random IT words and phrases to complete the description of a new gadget. Adam used some fabulously arcane computer terminology and combined it with the priceless image of shaving a cat. Nice job, Adam. Now it's time for you to go back to your padded cell.Here's Adam's entry:

Tired of reminding users for the Nth time how to do X? Well, your troubles are over. A new 802.11g router is now available that can do superfast computational obfuscatory data-driven decision-making, generate 10 gigabits of jabbering and introduce random 1-bit offsets to the kernel code, all at the same time. Created through the miracle of molecular valve technology, the Imagatronic 802.11a 2-Terahertz Grokbot can not only clean your hard drive, it can also shave the cat. And it works in just 11.41 lunar arcseconds! If you want the CIO to achieve Buddhahood, you need one of these babies today. So don't twaddle! Send 47 drachmas to Art Garfunkel's house and get your Imagatronic 802.11a 2-Terahertz Grokbot now.

To see the rest of these disturbed "fun libs," steer your cursor over here.

Wondering what to do with that unused USB port in your computer? How about a massage? A British company called Needapresent.com has developed the vibrating USB massage ball, which plugs into your USB port to generate a warm, nubbly rubdown for sore body parts during those long evenings spent coding software. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "scrubbing your data." If you don't want to get that intimate with your computer, Needapresent.com also makes a coffee cup warmer that plugs into your USB port. Who says client-generated Java will never catch on?Our readers must have a really good memory, because almost everyone that submitted remembered exactly how the "Mad Libs" game worked (Except for one poor fellow, who left every field blank but still submitted it. Maybe he was trying to tell us he didn't like our game?).

Here's a sampling of some of the wierd and wacky entries we received. And don't forget -- you can still create your own Funlib!

Jim Hiatt, II
Tired of Resetting a user's password? Well, your troubles are over. A new SCSI cable is now available that can do Bleep, Printing and If x then something else all at the same time. Created through the miracle of Intrusion Protection System, the Farnsworth can not only clean your hard drive, it can Shampoo the rug. And it works in just 14 eons! If you want more time off, you need one of these babies today. So don't advance! Send 53 lyre to Bob Metcalf's house and get your Farnsworth now.

Peggy Garberick
Tired of watching programs run? Well, your troubles are over. A new server is now available that can do rebooting, communicating and deleting all at the same time. Created through the miracle of virtual servers, the Guacamole can not only clean your hard drive, it can throw a frisbee. And it works in just month! If you want time off for good behavior, you need one of these babies today. So don't need! Send $687.45 to Luther Burbank's house and get your Guacamole now.

Eric L.

Tired of documentation? Well, your troubles are over. A new Old Laptop is now available that can do hacking, googling and db query all at the same time. Created through the miracle of ip v6, the boell can not only clean your hard drive, it can bra shopping. And it works in just 17 seconds! If you want 10 GHz processors, you need one of these babies today. So don't take! Send 85 cents to Darth Vader's house and get your boell now. Brian Kinsey
Tired of checking server logs? Well, your troubles are over. A new network load balancer is now available that can do print spooling, ARP broadcasts and validating buffers all at the same time. Created through the miracle of neural networks, the QSonic WAN Communications Maximizer can not only clean your hard drive, it can clean the gutters. And it works in just 3 years! If you want social skills, you need one of these babies today. So don't expectorate! Send 75,000 Lire to Kofi Anan's house and get your QSonic WAN Communications Maximizer now.

Cheryl Welsch
Tired of Picking dust off of the mouse balls? Well, your troubles are over. A new motherboard is now available that can process incomplete, unreliable data so that administrators can make firm, concrete, definite projections of future events, eliminate spam and documentation programs all at the same time. Created through the miracle of semantic information-management schemes , the G$4 TIPTINO (gimme money for this inferior product that is nearly obsolete) can not only clean your hard drive, it can pick dust off of the mouse balls. And it works in just 3 millenia! If you want more RAM, you need one of these babies today. So don't pray! Send 6 cents to JFK's house and get your G$4 TIPTINO (gimme money for this inferior product that is nearly obsolete) now.

[email protected]
Tired of reviewing logs? Well, your troubles are over. A new appliance is now available that can do sorting, sharing and debugging all at the same time. Created through the miracle of VoIP, the Ought-Nought Digital can not only clean your hard drive, it can rake leaves. And it works in just 4 hours! If you want time off, you need one of these babies today. So don't breathe! Send 12.42 to Ben Franklin's house and get your Ought-Nought Digital now.

Fred Waggoner

Tired of Desktop hardware inventory? Well, your troubles are over. A new laptop PC is now available that can do reboot, printing and code testing all at the same time. Created through the miracle of wireless connectivity, the Free Go Temptress can not only clean your hard drive, it can do hot tub cleaning. And it works in just seconds! If you want unlimited budget, you need one of these babies today. So don't squat! Send $42.00 to Bill Clinton's house and get your Free Go Temptress now.

Debbie Ojala
Tired of Server cleaning? Well, your troubles are over. A new Mouse is now available that can do Plotting, Email and Getvar all at the same time. Created through the miracle of Blueray, the Winkie can not only clean your hard drive, it can watch the soaps. And it works in just 1 week! If you want unlimited Ram, you need one of these babies today. So don't are! Send $500.00 to Jimmy Carter's house and get your Winkie now. Douglas Rockney
Tired of Changing passwords? Well, your troubles are over. A new RJ45 crimper is now available that can do fdisk, ipconfig and while(true) all at the same time. Created through the miracle of WiMAX, the BlogoRiffic 9000 can not only clean your hard drive, it can steal wicker furniture by pushing it through a door's keyhole. And it works in just 10000 microseconds! If you want a day when printers don't need a toner change, you need one of these babies today. So don't get jimmied! Send $10,482,611.94 to Jimmy Hoffa's house and get your BlogoRiffic 9000 now.

Mike Meier
Tired of downloading software? Well, your troubles are over. A new server is now available that can do processing, routing and grokking all at the same time. Created through the miracle of Wi-Fi, the Craptastic can not only clean your hard drive, it can swim with the sharks! And it works in just one million years! If you want a life, you need one of these babies today. So don't choke! Send 2 bucks to Alexander the Great's house and get your Craptastic now!

James Harrison

Tired of throwing away packing from new equipment boxes? Well, your troubles are over. A new dual raid-arrayed ST-506 10 meg harddrive is now available that can do archiving of old email, configure a virtual route to a vpn client and execute an sql query all at the same time. Created through the miracle of voice over ip with live videocast, the WAP - O - Meter can not only clean your hard drive, it can hunt for a sleek red evening dress. And it works in just 21.5 hours! If you want a huge bonus with a free week of diving in Aruba, you need one of these babies today. So don't swallow that whale! Send 27 million dollars to Bill Clinton's house and get your WAP - O - Meter now.

John Cummings
Tired of Resetting passwords? Well, your troubles are over. A new Router is now available that can do database forms, file transfer and problem solving all at the same time. Created through the miracle of WLAN, the Wondercomputing's NEW widget can not only clean your hard drive, it can suck a straw. And it works in just 42 seconds! If you want keyboard pillow, you need one of these babies today. So don't squat! Send $42.00 to Willie Nelson's house and get your Wondercomputing's NEW widget now.

Adam Bockhorst
Tired of Reminding users for the Nth time how to do X? Well, your troubles are over. A new Linksys 802.11g router is now available that can do super-fast computational obfuscatory data driven decision making, generate 10 Gigabits of jabbering and introducing random 1-bit offsets to the kernel code all at the same time. Created through the miracle of molecular valve technology, the Imagatronic 802.11a 2-Terahertz Grokbot can not only clean your hard drive, it can shave the cat. And it works in just eleven point four one lunar arcseconds! If you want the CIO to achieve Buddhahood, you need one of these babies today. So don't twaddle! Send forty-seven drachma to Art Garfunkel's house and get your Imagatronic 802.11a 2-Terahertz Grokbot now.Tim Jackson
Tired of documentation? Well, your troubles are over. A new printer is now available that can do file deleting, least path routing and push a stack all at the same time. Created through the miracle of dual core multiplexing, the CodeReplacer (tm) can not only clean your hard drive, it can paint your toenails. And it works in just nanoseconds! If you want bug-free system, you need one of these babies today. So don't smell! Send $100.42 to Willy Wonka's house and get your CodeReplacer (tm) now.

John McColl

Tired of patch management? Well, your troubles are over. A new hard drive optimizer is now available that can do software upgrades, error perpetuation, and idiot handling all at the same time. Created through the miracle of blue-ray DVDs, the PostGREP Toasties can not only clean your hard drive, it can twist a grackle. And it works in just a fortnight! If you want early retirement, you need one of these babies today. So don't coagulate! Send a fortune to Mr. Bill's house and get your Postgrep Toasties now.

Joe Dial
Tired of Attending meeting? Well, your troubles are over. A new Cisco PIX is now available that can do SAP Gui, Routing and Application Development all at the same time. Created through the miracle of WAP, the NetScan Appliance can not only clean your hard drive, it can visit restroom. And it works in just half hour! If you want hit the lottery, you need one of these babies today. So don't drive! Send a Million Dollars to President Bill Clinton's house and get your NetScan Appliance now.

Royce Leeper
Tired of Reports? Well, your troubles are over. A new Switch is now available that can do processing, routing and sum all at the same time. Created through the miracle of VOIP, the Rasputin Revolver can not only clean your hard drive, it can open grill cooking. And it works in just Millinium! If you want riches, fame & glory, you need one of these babies today. So don't seems! Send billion dollars to James Garner's house and get your Rasputin Revolver now.

Coleen O'Hanley
Tired of resetting passwords? Well, your troubles are over. A new tape drive is now available that can do breaking down, routing packets and compiling all at the same time. Created through the miracle of Bluetooth, the Microsoft Non-Blue-Screen Windows can not only clean your hard drive, it can play with a hamster. And it works in just three days! If you want time, you need one of these babies today. So don't compile! Send $47 million to Amy Sedaris's house and get your Microsoft Non-Blue-Screen Windows now. Mary Lennon
Tired of deleting old files from the server? Well, your troubles are over. A new tape autoloader is now available that can do write, FTP to secure server and calculate the total customer letters all at the same time. Created through the miracle of VoIP, the Wing-it software can not only clean your hard drive, it can cruise to the Carribian. And it works in just 7 hours! If you want new job, you need one of these babies today. So don't hear! Send $73.22 to Ben Franklin's house and get your Wing-it software now.

Gene Mercer

Tired of fixing outlook inboxes? Well, your troubles are over. A new server rack is now available that can do print, routing and database editing all at the same time. Created through the miracle of wireless, the WiffleWirelessSniffer can not only clean your hard drive, it can change the toilet paper. And it works in just 5 minutes! If you want MORE PAY, you need one of these babies today. So don't bite! Send 12.32 to George Foreman's house and get your WiffleWirelessSniffer now.

David Serotko
Tired of Assett Tracking? Well, your troubles are over. A new Router is now available that can do Save, Packet Switching and Dumps all at the same time. Created through the miracle of WiFi, the Splak can not only clean your hard drive, it can speak. And it works in just 1 year! If you want Win the lottery, you need one of these babies today. So don't shit! Send 10 million dollars to Bill Gates's house and get your Splak now.

jan schuneman

Tired of cleaning infected pc's? Well, your troubles are over. A new router is now available that can do connecting, peer to peer and hacking all at the same time. Created through the miracle of Voip, the control packager can not only clean your hard drive, it can talk to the mailman. And it works in just weeks! If you want hardware, you need one of these babies today. So don't explain! Send 50.00 to john wayne's house and get your control packager now. Dwight Purdy
Tired of product test? Well, your troubles are over. A new wireless router is now available that can do number-crunching, connections and debugging all at the same time. Created through the miracle of blue tooth video, the Flxible can not only clean your hard drive, it can do RV maintenance. And it works in just six weeks! If you want user adulation, you need one of these babies today. So don't signify! Send three hundred dollars to Paris Hilton's house and get your Flxible now.

Mike Jackson
Tired of compressing tablespaces? Well, your troubles are over. A new CSU/DSU is now available that can do print server, FTP and .trim() all at the same time. Created through the miracle of WIFI, the Kauai Sea Dongle can not only clean your hard drive, it can cut the grass. And it works in just picoseconds! If you want more time off, you need one of these babies today. So don't lactate! Send 1 red cent to Emporer Joshua Norton's house and get your Kauai Sea Dongle now.

Chery Unger
Tired of mundane? Well, your troubles are over. A new server is now available that can do hit any key, crash and definitions all at the same time. Created through the miracle of wifi, the bug safety can not only clean your hard drive, it can walk a pig. And it works in just quantum! If you want lots of funding, you need one of these babies today. So don't hack! Send $3,000,000,000,000.00 to Robin Williams's house and get your bug safety now.

Margaret A. Thomas

Tired of answering the phone? Well, your troubles are over. A new laptop is now available that can do launch, connect and compile all at the same time. Created through the miracle of visualization, the Windows Does Dallas can not only clean your hard drive, it can clean the bathroom. And it works in just one year! If you want smart users, you need one of these babies today. So don't blow! Send one million dollars to Dan Rather's house and get your Windows Does Dallas now.

Mark Miller
Tired of bowing and scraping to get approval to order pencils? Well, your troubles are over. A new electronic pencil sharpener is now available that can make even Halon systems spritz corrosive fluid on the servers, magnetize the routers, and erase the hard drives all at the same time. Created through the miracle of bluesniping, the Quantum Mechanical Software Derangement Engine can not only clean your hard drive, it can smoke poison ivy joints. And it works in just a few billion ticks of the old atomic clock on the wall! If you want a new life tending your sorghum patch in Zimbabwe, you need one of these babies today. So don't defenestrate your boss! Send three dollars and change to Walter Cronkite's house and get your Quantum Mechanical Software Derangement Engine now.Ashley McNolty

Tired of Creating network accounts? Well, your troubles are over. A new RAM is now available that can do perform calculations, send email and while loop all at the same time. Created through the miracle of voice over IP, the Wee-Mail can not only clean your hard drive, it can moonwalking. And it works in just eternity! If you want outdoor jobs, you need one of these babies today. So don't ran! Send five pence to Scott Adams's house and get your Wee-Mail now.

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