Forget "SAW." Never mind "The Grudge" or "The Hills Have Eyes." You want a true tale of horror? Then watch this video, if you dare!

Ah, Halloween. A night of frolic, candy and costumes, spooky tales and good-natured fun. But all is not as it seems. Evil lurks in the data centers. The malevolent shadow of inexplicable server crashes and the presence of clueless management fill even the most stalwart of IT professionals with dread. Fortunately, the folks are Hyperic want you to face your fears. The company is sponsoring "A Nightmare on Web Street" -- a short essay contest, in which participants submit their most dreaded IT scenarios they have survived in their careers. The IT pro with the most bone-chilling tale will win a Nintendo Wii.

The deadline is Oct. 30 at 11:59 p.m. PDT -- one minute before Halloween! So send in your tale ... if you dare!

This week, a funny little animation for all you feline lovers out there. Not being a cat owner, I have to ask -- does this thing tend to happen?

2008 will be my 20-year high school reunion. My twins also will be turning 4, which means just another two years before they enter the first grade. While waxing nostalgic and at the same time pondering their future academic careers, I came across an interesting video I wanted to share. It's titled "A Vision of Students Today" and sheds a little light on what it means to be in one of today's learning institutions and how technology has affected student lives.

As one-half of the parents of precocious 3-year-old twins, I couldn't help but laugh at this video. In it, comedian Anita Renfroe shares with the young audience what she believes a typical mom would say to her child/teenager during a 24-hour day. Only she does so in just under three minutes, and to the tune of the "William Tell Overture."

I love Tetris, but I'm lucky if I can get past level 13. Check out this Tetris afficionado, who goes by the moniker Jin8. Here he's playing Tetris Grand Master, which includes invisible levels. It starts out slow at first, but by the middle and end, the pieces are dropping at lightning fast speed, which doesn't seem to phase Jin8 in the least. It's pretty amazing to watch.

Watching this Star Wars/Simpsons mashup, it's hard to believe that it wasn't done by the actual Simpsons animation team. In fact it was created by a very talented animator named Rich Cando. You can find more of Rich's work at richcando.com

When I was a kid I remember sitting in front of the TV during the holiday seasons, waiting for one of the Charlie Brown specials to begin. Just before it started, CBS would display it's Special Presentation Identity logo -- the Word "SPECIAL" spinning with a multicolor trail to some seventies sounding drum and trumpet accompaniment. That six-second opener was like a dinner bell to the Pavlov's Dog in me.

I know, I know -- how can it be called "Viral Video of the Week" if I don't have one every week? Cut me some slack, huh? One little slip, sheesh.

Anyway, I'm back with a doozy -- did you know that around 3pm, when your blood sugar is really low, Robert Goulet sneaks into your office and messes with all your stuff?

So much for a 'closed system,' right Mister Jobs? This video short shows how someone hacked the iPhone in order to install an emulator running the classic Nintendo Entertainment System.

Here's an interesting video that was making the rounds this week: over 1500 inmates at the Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in Cebu City, Philippines performing Michael Jackson's "Thriller" in their courtyard.

A couple of guys sparring/training in the middle of Central Park are completely oblivious to the group that has begun to surround them. Little do they know that the troupe is actually DeCadence, an A Cappella group from the University of California, Berkeley. As the realization that they have spectators becomes all too obvious to the karate kickers, nothing can prepare them for what happens next.

We're just hours away from the release of the final Harry Potter book, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows." There's been a great deal of speculation as to whether Harry will be shuffling off the mortal coil (author J.K. Rowling has alluded to Potter going prone since right after the last book was released).

From writing and sending e-mail to watching videos (and of course making calls), the iPhone seems capable of doing just about anything. But will it blend?

No, this isn't a trick question and I'm not using some fancy new techno-jargon. In what has to be one of the strangest -- and most expensive -- experiments I've seen to date, the folks at commercial and home blender maker Blendtec pop an iPhone into one of their high-end home blenders, just to see what would happen to the $500 device.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water...this great mashup takes Jaws -- the action-packed, heart stopping blockbuster that made a generation afraid to go swimming -- and turns it into a feel good, 'Free-Willy' -esque love-fest. It's hysterical!

This week's video is a classic in more ways than one. It's been circulating the web since before the term "viral video" was ever uttered. Heck, filmed in 1970, it's been around since before the web as we know it.

SNL's Lazy Sunday. The Star Wars Kid. Leonard Nimoy Singing "The Legend of Bilbo Baggins". These and other viral videos have been circulating the web for years now.

Last week our readers swooped in with their contributions to our Top 11 list, "Top 11 Reasons Batman would make a poor InfoSec Manager." But not everyone thought that the Caped Crusader would do a shoddy job protecting critical corporate data. Reader Matt Duda assumed the mantle of the Dark Knight's defender and sent in his own Top 10 list as to why he thought Batman would do a great job! So in the interest of fairness, we present Matt's list to you.

A while back we asked our readers to come up with their ideas for a livelier substitute to Microsoft's infamous, but visually mundane Blue Screen of Death (BSoD). You can find all those lovely submissions here at the Top 11 Wacky Replacements for Microsoft's Blue Screen of Death.

Couldn't pass up sharing this cute baby onesie. There's a slew of others future geek clothing, including a shirt for baby bloggers, little Linux Users and more at http://www.cafepress.com/buy/
baby/geek/kids

A new line of wallets has metal-infused RF shielding built in to prevent thieves from remotely scanning RFID-embedded credit cards. This is just silly.

Cell phone radiation: Maybe it's bad for us...maybe it's not so bad. But until we know for sure, the nice folks at Handy-fashions.com don't want you taking any chances.

Here's a computer that the King would have stepped on a dozen blue suede shoes to get to. Computer designer Jeffrey Stephenson created a casemod in the shape of a classic Shure 55 Unidyne microphone, also known by many as "The Elvis Mic." Constructed out of basswood, this baby sports a mini-ITX board and a real cast-iron mic stand that modified as a desktop stand.

More of Jeff's impressive designs can be found here.

It's official. Merriam-Webster has announced the newest words that will appear in its next dictionary update, including "google," "spyware," and "mouse potato."

As for non-tech words, you can now tell your wife that the soul patch you've been attempting to grow for several weeks now has been validated by the nice Dictionary people.

What's the hottest topic to hit blogs in recent months? Could it be Bill Gates' announcement that he'll be stepping down as MS Chief Architect? Perhaps the latest Skype grumblings? Data Security Woes?

Wrong, wrong and zippo. It's all about the gas, baby.

This weekend as I came through the midtown tunnel into NYC, I spotted several interesting posters adorning the side of a building. One had a sheep wearing what appeared to be iPod earbuds, with the challenge "Don't be an iSheep" or something to that extent. A similar bill bore a primate listening to music with his iPod and the statement "Don't be an iChimp." There was a donkey labeled an "iFollower" for trying to grab a dangling carrot and a guy in a suite with his arms strung up like an "iPuppet." At the bottom of each of these posters was an ominous link -- to iDont.com.

Here's a PC casemod that's sure to please any evil mastermind -- and give heart palpatations to secret agents, superheroes and planet-saving astronauts everywhere. This computer's case has been made to look like a Hollywood-esque 'Doomsday device,' the kind that have the good guys sweating as they try to figure out which colored wire to cut before the countdown hits zero. Click on the image for more on how it was made.

I just couldn't pass this up -- spotted on Boingboing:

"Is that old Bob Ross wannabe on the wall being neglected? Are your laptop-bearing-house guests begging to use your WiFi? Kill two birds by sprucing up the oiled spruces just by transforming that ol' landscape into a wireless LAN-scape password sign."

That wacky master of the Nunchakus -- the Ninja from "Ask a Ninja" is back, and this time around he's here to help you better understand all the confusion surrounding Net Neutrality -- and probably add to it as well.

Do your eyes go all kaflooky when the site you're on pops up with one of those scrambled text signups? You know -- the ones where a string of letters or numbers appear up against a weird background that makes it hard to read? The problem with these security measures are that some vision-impaired users cannot always make out the characters. Plus, they're not as secure as some people think -- the right batch of malicious code can slip right past them.

Apparently this year's O'Reilly Emerging Tech conference sported a few ...side shows.

Do you remember 2002? The Angels beat the Giants in the World Series. Mozilla 1.0 debuted. Star Wars fans saw Clones Attack. And two British engineers were close to debuting a cell phone embedded within a tooth. The hype became so feverish that the product-to-be landed on Time Magazine's 2002 Best Inventions list.

A few weeks ago we asked our readers to send in their ideas for our Top 11 Punishments We'd like to see for Spammers. After reading some of the responses, we came to the immediate conclusion that many of you have been deeply and personally hurt by Spam. How else could we justify some of the more unusual responses? Colonoscopies? Schock treatments? 24 hour reruns of the Osbournes show? My God people -- what did these spammers do to you?

I think it's time for a group hug, don't you? Meanwhile, let's take a look at the unique suggestions offered on how to punish Spammers.

I'm a big believer in the idea that just because the technology is there to make something, doesn't mean that it needs to be made. With that in mind, I present to you -- the Wireless Wine Glasses.

In the Latest editon of The Last Mile, you'll find our reader submitted "Top 11 Ways to Shorten a Dull IT Staff Meeting." We couldn't cram them all into the page, so submitted for your approval (or revulsion) are all the entries from our rogue's gallery.

The last time we posted an IT Haiku, folks were just starting to string up the holiday lights around the servers. Hey, don't blame us -- some of guys just don't know how to count syllables.

Fortunately, John Gregor remembered the 5-7-5 rule of Haikus and came through for us. John's poem is no doubt an homage to that often-told Tech Support 'horror' story:

If you're trying to quit smoking and you love listening to MP3s, here's a great way to play your favorite music in your car and rid yourself of the temptaion to light up at the same time. The Yifang EM192F is a car charger, FM modulator, and USB MP3/WMA reader, all in one device.

It's been a while since we posted a reader's IT Haiku. In case you're new to this, we asked our lovely audience a while back to submit Haikus -- small poems of Japanese origin that consist of a pattern of approximately 5, 7, and 5 syllables. Of course our twist was the Haikus needed an IT spin. Though the contest ended, we still continued to get submissions, so we decided to post the funnier ones every so often.

A few folks sent in some amusing little narratives, but forgot the 5-7-5 rule -- so unfortunately they were disqualified. Ryan Russell remembered it however, and sent in this little ditty:

Users Call for help
Desperately I ask Them
Is the Caps-Lock on?

Nice one Ryan. Today you have earned our respect. Tomorrow? Eh, maybe not so much. We'll talk. We'll see.

Send in an IT Haiku!

Back in our October 13th, 2005 edition of the Last Mile, we asked those twisted and disturbed individuals we affectionately call our readers (also known as "you") to offer up their most creative ideas for a new name for the Internet. That's right. The World Wide Web. Cyberspace. The thing you're on right now.

One or two submissions had to be chucked out (Hey, we try not to work too blue here). Alot of you seem to remember a Mister Al Gore claiming responsibility for creating the Internet (Poor Al). And some of you are just plain, well...wierd.

We did manage to select a winner. You can find the Internet's new name in our December 8th edition of Last Mile. For now, however -- enjoy all the submissions that were fit to print.

As you know, each December we proudly present to you our Survivor's Guide for the coming year -- what you need to know and how you can prepare for the next 365 days in the world of IT, networking, security, wireless and other technology categories.

As you're also aware, each Survivor's Guide issue features a heroic band of adventurers who grace the cover, braving dangerous obstacles in each of the technology categories.

In the past years, they've braved dense jungles and crossed frozen tundras. This year, our heroes are sailing the ocean blue. But before they can cast off, they need your help.

We'd like you to name the the ship that will appear on the cover of this year's "Survivor's Guide" issue. Just submit your IT-centric name for our seafaring vessel in the form below. We'll christen the ship with the best pick.

In addition, the winner will score an 'NWC Treasure Chest' which includes:

• an NWC cell phone hands free headset
• an NWC mint tin
• an NWC stylus-pen combo
• an NWC pen

This story pretty much speaks for itself.

I'll meet you at the bar afterwards. First round's on you.

It was strangely chilly last night as I strolled through the park. I was grateful I had grabbed my jacket as I pulled the collar up and shoved my hands into my pockets. Thoughts of a warm cup of Starbucks Coffee flooded my mind as I passed by the section of the park where alot of homeless hunker down for the night. Most of them were sleeping, or staring off vacantly. As I passed by one particular fellow however, he called up to me in a surprisingly refined British Accent, "Pardon me sir, but would be you be so kind as to spare a few coins?"

I fumbled through my pocket, fishing out a dollar and some change. As I extended my hand I looked into the face of the poor devil before me, and my jaw dropped.

"My god...Jeeves? Is that really you?"

Yes, it was none other the familiar valet who greeted web searchers when they arrived at the doorstep of AskJeeves.com. Jeeves' clothes were tattered, his face unshaved. He looked a wreck.

"Indeed," Jeeves replied, trying to muster what dignity he could, "It seems my services were no longer required."

As I sat down on the bench next to the fallen icon, he began to relay his tale. A few days earlier, he had been busy taking care of an inquiry on the site when a call came in. Seems Ask owner Barry Diller made a surprising announcement at an investor conference. "He informed everyone that research results found that internet users were having trouble identifying with me," Jeeves explained, "Apparently, they were confused over what I represented."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I said incredulously, "What's there not to understand. You go to the site. You ask a question. You get an answer. Done."

"Ah yes, but as you may be aware, the technology behind the site has changed vastly. Users are no longer limited to asking questions. Our search engine could accommodate many more types of inquiries."

"Okay, so?"

"So it appears that my presence no longer fits into the company, and actually hampers people's understanding of what we do."

"You're serious? You're a (expletive) cartoon character!" I yelled, "I don't know ANYONE who has ever gone to your site and gotten confused. Again, you go the site. You put in a question. Or a keyword. Or a shoe size. Whatever. You get the answer you move on."

"I daresay, my enthusiastic friend, that I share your sentiment. But apparently not all web users are as savvy as you?"

Jeeves went on to say that there was no actual timeframe from when he would disappear from the site, but as I could see, he was already beginning to feel the effects.

"I couldn't afford the luxury apartment any more," Jeeves cried, "The company car is gone. They took my 24 karat feather duster too. I'm a shell of what I once was."

The time grew late and I had to head home. As I shook his grimy hand, passing two twenty dollar bills to him in the process, I thought about the idiocy of some people on the web. A cartoon butler left them confused when they tried to do a web search? What else causes these mental midgets to overload? Do they feel compelled to yodel when the go to Yahoo.com? Do they think that all the books and CDs you buy at Amazon.com come from a little tribe living in a rainforest?

Perhaps there would be hope for Jeeves. He mentioned he had an audition to play the Alfred's long lost brother in the new Batman cartoon.

Hey, the Pets.com sock puppet got a second chance. Why not Jeeves?

Alright, enough ramblin'.

The Microsoft bigwig teamed up with Napoleon Dynamite in this spoof video from PDC 2005. The camera's a little shaky, but you get the idea.

You know what drives me nuts? I'm sitting there, watching "Lost," waiting for them to tell me what the heck's at the bottom of that hatch, and the next thing I know, I'm watching a commercial where the announcer informs me I can now purchase Product XYZ in four "great" versions. There's the original formula, the fume-free formula, the fast-acting formula, the one that comes in the limited edition Will Ferrell "Elf" shaped bottle formula.

Is it really so hard for these companies to manufacturer a version of Product XYZ that works just like the original, but does all those other things too (except maybe the Will Ferrell shaped bottle)? Of course not. But if the makers of these fine products threw all those formulas into one can, that would mean fewer product options on the shelves to entice us (read: sucker us with). After all, maybe you were a fan of the original version, but the smell of pinecones and dog hair was just a little too aromatic. So you try the fume-free version, only to discover it just doesn't work quite as quickly as the odiferous one. Shucks!

Let's play a game of "What They Say/What they Mean," shall we?

Jason Smathers, Ex-AOL employee convicted of stealing AOL screen names and selling them to SPAMMers says: "I know I've done something very wrong."

What Jason Means: "By wrong, I mean I shouldn't have stuck around here. I should have gotten onto that plane to the Bahamas when I had the chance."

Come on -- does anyone really believe that this guy's sorry? Please. Jason's sorry he's not drinking a frozen concoction in Margaritaville while taking a break from sunbathing on the beach. Jason's sorry he's not rolling in hundred dollar bills on top of his bed.

He's sorry he got caught.

You know who else is sorry? The owners of the 92 million (say it with me -- MILLION) screen names and email address Jason lifted and sold to SPAMMers. I bet they're also sorry that Jason copped a plea and is now only going to spend 15 months in prison for jeprodizing their privacy and identities. Meanwhile, they'll continute to be sorry as they get a slew of "Enlarge body part XX" emails or letters from the Zimbawbwee Prime Minister looking for a "reliable person" to help him hide large sums of cash."

I got an idea. Let's cut Jason's prison sentence in half, and he can spend the rest of his time knocking on the doors of every AOL subscriber affected by this action. He can tell them He's sorry in person. I bet his lip, left eye and nose will be real sorry after the first couple of visits.

Hey, we've got time for one more "What They Say/What they Mean."

Microsoft Mogul Bill Gates says: "Computers will keep getting smaller, and they'll make it easier to wade through e-mails, schedule appointments, stay on top of news and to-do lists and make lawmakers' work more transparent to the public."

What Lord Gates Means: "Soon computers will be so tiny they can be ingested. And when they're inside people, we will activate the mind control and rule the world -- Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha -- ooooh Double Stuff Oreos!"

Alright. Enough Ramblin!

I mean, weren't they all just painted cardboard with flashing lights, ala Star Trek? Lo and behold apparently not. Check out these pics (over at boingboing.net) of some Data Center action around 40-some-odd years ago. The one with the bathroom plunger kills me (yes, bathroom plunger).

Advertising. I can't get away from it. I end up watching more commercials than I do my favorite TV shows. I can't get through an issue of "Y: The Last Man" without a stupid Skechers ad ("We put the 'S' In action!" Right. Learn to Spell!) I get totally distracted by the glare of the light-up stupid FreshDirect billboard on the way to the Midtown tunnel. (Hey, great idea, let's take drivers' minds off the road!) Of course, every day there's a new popup ad on the Internet (yesterday's winner: "Does Bigfoot Exist? Click yes or no to win a prize!"). And, of course, I certainly couldn't have enjoyed the "Wedding Crashers" this weekend without a solid 10 minutes of Coke, Cingular and car commercials before the film started (never mind the %*#(!@ product placement throughout most of today's movies)--but I digress.

Yes sir, everywhere I go. Crestor ad here, Maybeline there.

And now it seems the cell phone shall fall.

Over on EETimes, they have a little article on 'video snacking,' a wonderful idea from a panel at the "Toy Tour" sponsored by Texas Instruments. These "snacks" would be commercially produced clips of no more than 10 minutes in length. Who knows what the content would be: mini soap operas, news briefs, celebrity gossip. And who cares. The point is, you know that coming right behind these videos--and right in front of them AND right in between them--will be commercials.

That's all I need--turning on my cell phone and watching some doofus spray on Axe body spray and get ravaged by a bunch of grannies as he walks by their bingo club.

What's next? Inserting commercials into the actual phone calls?

"So yeah--the Vet said that it was the right thing to do. Scruffy was just so old and in so much pai-"

"YOUR DOGGY DESERVES THE VERY BEST. SO NEXT TIME YOUR SHOPPING, PICK UP BEGGIN' STRIPS! HE'LL THANK YOU WITH LOVE AND LICKS! We now return you to your phone call."

::choke:: "Scruffy! Nooooooooo!!!!!"

In other news, congrats to the Space Shuttle folks for getting home safe and sound. Unfortunately, the problems they experienced during their mission are threatening the shuttle program. And just today, NASA scrapped plans for a Mars mission to send another orbiter around the red planet.

I know it can't be just me, but is anyone else beginning to think that something's not quite right with our space program? I mean, according to "Star Trek," Khan should have been up there in space since around '96 waiting for the Enterprise to find him a couple of hundred years later. A lot of our sci-fi shows were waaay off target in guessing when we'd be landing on Mars and sipping espresso in Lunar Base coffee houses. So what gives? And, seriously, why the heck HAVEN'T we gone back to the moon? I mean, we did how many lunar landings back in the 60s and 70s? You can't tell me, "Well, it's just a big ol' rock, we don't have any reasons to go back." Excuse me, but it's the MOON! It's in OUTER FRIGGIN SPACE! It's the closest thing to another planet we can get to right now. Get your frozen ice cream eating, Tang slurping butts back over there and show everyone we've still got what it takes.

Unless, of course, those conspiracy theorists are right and the whole thing was on a Hollywood back lot. It's all a diabolical plot by Secret Society of Illuminati Freemasons who keep stealing people's kidneys and leaving them in tubs of ice!

(BTW, I just realized that my first three columns all focused on cell phones in some respect. Weird. Just kinda happened that way...honest. I promise to think of something completely unrelated next week.)

All right, Enough Ramblin'.

Comment on this blog entry

I must have been suffering from a terrible case of Brain Cloud, because I realized I've let the most recent Last Mile Top 11 slip by without posting the extra submissions online. I'll take Thirty Lashes with a wet noodle as punishment.

So without further adieu, here's all the submissions for the "Top 11 Reasons Bernie Ebbers' Prison Time Will Be Tougher Than Martha Stewart's"

Ronald Peterson

Skills learned when he was talking about Wcom's stock will be
invaluable, when he speaks about his Blue Plate Specials.

peter stern

- Bernie's approved visitor list only includes Worldcom share holders.

- Prison phone system still uses Worldcom for long distance calls.

Charles R. Roderick

He's going to be "real good" pals with Bubba. such good pals that
their "gonna be really tight."

Ken Graham
While I might have subscribed to Martha's "Caged Heat" WebCam, unless I was a WorldCom Stockholder the "Bernie's my Bitch" WebCam just wouldn't hold the same appeal.

Nick Nielsen
No formatting options in a prison cell.

gregory mamayek
I think somebody made an error. Check it out.

Gerald Brown
Hmmmmm, billions vs thousands, which is more?

Gary Hoke
He won't be able to wear a bra to steal spices in.

gregory mamayek
~ He can't cook, except the books.

~ No vaseline

~ Look at his initials: BE (Back End)

~ Ex-employees whom have been incarcerated now have the chance for revenge.

~ The shareholders now know where to find him.

~ No weekend retreat, except for the corner of the cage, you rat!

Robert Foster

Bernie's cellmate "Bubba" can't even spell computer.

Kevin Barrer
Martha had a company waiting for her - Bernie will be lucky to catch on as a megastore greeter!

Bret Pothier
Camp cupcake will be what the other inmates call Bernie...not where he will be staying

Afolabi Fakayode
There's no Internet Access

David Joachim
After paying restitution to shareholders, Bernie only has, er, services to trade for cigarettes.

While perusing through some of the news sites today, I spotted one of those 'slap you upside the head' kind of headlines on msnbc.com -- "Why cell phone service here sucks," by Gary Krakow. Rather than regurgitate everything that Mr. Krakow wrote, I'll let you check it out for yourself. Instead I'll share with you my own little experience on why cell phone service in America is just not...shall we say, up to par?

Just a few months ago, while en route to visit my brother-in-law in West Virginia *, we got lost. The directions he gave us for the "uber cool secret shortcut to save us plenty of time" weren't panning out. "No problem," said my lovely wife, whipping out the little wonder of modern technology with the intent to call her brother and get some directional assistance. But -- shock of shocks, the cell phone didn't work -- there was no reception to be had. "That happens," I said, figuring we were in a 'dry patch' of cellular reception, "We'll drive a few more minutes and we should get some bars soon." Well a few minutes became almost 45 minutes. And it was getting dark. And we were in the middle of the Appalachians. And my twin toddler sons were getting restless. And did I mention my mother-in-law was traveling with us?

I know. I was scared too.

Fortunately, we found a gas station with two very sweet young ladies who helped us on our way, despite the fact that "we talked funny." Once we got to my brother-in-laws, and gave him hell for his insane directions that sent us up into the mountains on winding roads that had no barriers and very steep drops (I digress), we called Cingular to find out what the deal was.

"Oh, we're sorry. We don't carry service in that area." Was the half-apologetic reply. "But, you're Cingular. Your ads are like...everywhere." I replied with dejection in my voice. To add more salt and lemon juice to my wireless wounds, just as the conversation with the rep ended, I turned my eyes to the TV set on in my brother-in-law's room. Whose commercial was on at that moment? Cingular Wirless.

So what's the deal, Wireless Moguls of America? Why do some of us get cruddy reception in our own living rooms while visiting friends get calls without problems? Why are you pitching your amazing service in areas that don't even get it? Why can Mister Krakow drive down a rural European Road with nary a farm in sight and still get a call from his friends saying "Stop and get some scones before you come over for the Eastenders Marathon?"

Speaking of British Telly...

While most of my friends are gushing about the new Battlestar Galactica, and I have to sit back and wait for September for my "Lost" fix, I've been enjoying the rebirth of a favorite show of mine from when I was a kid -- Doctor Who. The new series stars Christopher Eccleston as the time-traveling Time Lord, with UK pop star turned-actress Billie Piper as his companion. Because the stupid Sci-Fi channel won't air the show, I had to rely on a friend who procured the eps from someone in the UK -- I'm watching them on my PC as .avi files. Not ideal, but still great to see the Doctor in action once more. Check out eBay, as you'll probably find them there. It's worth the effort.

Alright, enough ramblin.

* for the record, Mapquest says the trip from New York to Elkins West Virginia takes approximately 8 hours. They really should include a button to push that says "Click here if you have children to increase trip time by four hours."**

** Note to self: Don't drive to Elkins West Virginia ever again.***

*** Note to self again: No really. I mean it. It can only end in tears -- mostly my own.

Hi all,

Welcome to the first edition of my semi-regular (read: Whenever I actually have time) Techno-Oddities column, "Ramblin' On." As you can surmise by the title, I'm going to be doing just that -- yapping about anything that catches my attention, makes me chuckle, or pisses me off (more than likely the latter).

Getting right into it, let's talk about the whole Daylight savings time thing the folks in DC are proposing. If you've been living under a beach umbrella, you might have missed that our fine politicians have proposed an extension to Daylight savings time, extending it a month. Their logic -- more daylight increases productivity, cuts down on traffic accidents, and conserves energy.

Cut down on accidents huh? Tell that to the three I passed (at five miles an hour) this morning on the Long Island Expressway. Maybe all this daylight got in their eyes?

And I'm sorry -- conserve energy? Not on our side of the workforce fence. In fact, there's a chance that we'll have some tweaks and mods to make on computer clocks and other various programs that rely on time-based software. So computers will be running longer while fixes are made, and our IT guys will be staying later at work while making those fixes, and surprise...end up driving home in the dark anyway.

But hey, why worry? As Reps. Edward Markey of Massachusetts says, the change "...will make everyone sunnier."

Gosh Golly, Ed's right! I'll be so much happier with the sun smiling down on me as I skip down sugardrop lane on my way home to my Gingerbread house in snugglefrump valley.

(Sigh.)

No doubt the folks at AOL will be happy for more sun in their workdays -- it'll give them time to test their new Mobile Search Services. The service will let wireless phone users search the Internet and link to regular Web pages that it will reformat for tiny cell-phone screens.

Okay, has ANYONE really surfed the web using a cell phone? I mean come on -- really. I bought a cell phone a while back that had browsing capabilities. I used it once. I ended up with a new cell phone a few months a later. The most I've done with my current cell phone is downloaded a cute little version of "Burger Time" to play while my wife is in the store. And even that gives me a headache when I try to stare at the little frankfurter and eggs chasing my lil' blob of a chef guy as he tries to stack the hamburgers. Why the migraine? Because the screen is WEE! It's just a teeny thing. Who the heck wants to check out websites on these little screens? I don't even bother text messaging anyone -- Then again, I'm not fourteen and sitting in a boring ol' Biology class.

Surfing the web belongs on a computer, not on a cell phone...unless you're a smurf.

Alright. Enough rambling for one week.

T

Last week, Microsoft decided it was to drop the tag "Longhorn" for its upcoming operating system. Instead, come 2006, everyone will prostrate themselves before "Windows Vista."

The Redmond folks have some real clever marketing planned for this puppy -- the software's tagline is "Bringing clarity to your world." Plus it also gets three very powerful keywords -- "Clear, Confident, Connected."

Can't you feel the confidence building inside you right now? (Maybe it's just lunch repeating on you)

Curious, I took a stroll over to the Mirriam Webster Dictionary online to scope out the definition of "Vista." This is what I found.

Main Entry: vis·ta
Pronunciation: 'vis-t&
Function: noun
Etymology: Italian, sight, from visto, past participle of vedere to see, from Latin vidEre -- more at WIT
1 : a distant view through or along an avenue or opening : PROSPECT
2 : an extensive mental view (as over a stretch of time or a series of events)

These definitions aren't all that far off I guess. After all, it seems like prospects of the software being released on time are distant. And when it does, it will leave us all feelng mental.

Its hard to believe that it was about seven years ago when we were all emailing one another with a link to a wierd little website filled with a myriad of animated, dancing Hamsters. And of course there was that little tune that will haunt us for the rest of our lives -- "Dee da dee da dee da doo doo doo." You know what I'm talking about -- the infamous Hampsterdance (yes, spelled, or misspelled that way).

And while we're down this memory lane, who can forget the horror of the Dancing Baby -- so popular at one time it "Ugha Chacka'd" its way onto the set of Ally "For the Love of God, eat something will you?" McBeal

The fine folks at CNet haven't. As a matter of fact, you'll find the hamsters, the baby and eight other internet phenomena have taken up residence over there -- thanks to CNet's compilation of the top 10 Web Fads.

Enjoy. And Remember -- All your Base...well, you know.

The MugMouse Click to Enlarge

Chances are you won't find this sold at your local Starbucks or McDonalds -- they've had enough trouble with hot, cross customers ending up with coffee 'tween their legs. I daresay you probably have to sign some sort of waiver before using this mouse/coffee mug hybrid. But the folks at SLOWEB aren't out to intentionally give you a steaming lapful of hot joe -- Quite the opposite. Their thought is that life is too fast paced. Therefore by using The MugMouse -- filled with your double shot latte espresso Americano deluxe -- you'll have no choice but to slow things down a bit.

Of course one can only hope that this gizmo is plug 'n' play -- otherwise it would be a real pain to have to reboot every time you plugged it back in after a coffee run.

It's that time again -- our weekly IT Haiku winner. Carefully chosen (read: at the last minute) from the hundreds (read: dozen or so) entries -- this week's winning poem comes from John Inscoe:

When email is down
We can't send you a notice
That says email's down

How true John. How true. Of course, that doesn't stop folks from getting upset, does it? Chances are these are the same folks in your company who also like to use that handy-dandy beverage holder that pops out of their computer from time to time. Am I right?

Want to show us your poetic prowress? Send in an IT Haiku. And remember the 5-7-5 rule, 'kay?

Here's my million dollar idea for the day. I want to be able to copy content from one machine and paste it on another machine. This could be done somehow over the network. Maybe two machines grant each other a trust relationship, and you can send data from one to the next.

I'm using a traditional KVM, and have my documentation on one machine, active work space on another machine. I want to be able to select text from the documentation and paste it on my second, third, fourth or fifth machine. I don't want to have to use USB flash drives or FTP or tinyurl.com or email or any of that stuff. Networked clipboards. It'd be great in the lab, but also at home. There are times when I'm viewing a link on my Mac and I want to transfer it to my Windows machine, but I can't do that easily or quickly. I would gladly pay upwards of $19.95 for it. And this post shall be considered prior art if any of you try to patent it.

Our very own Don MacVittie received an interesting e-mail in what appeared to be Russian (I can't really tell -- I have enough trouble with English). This prompted Don's following comments:

Note to spammers in any language...

Don.

Too wacky to be true? Feast your eyes on the prize: