Viral Video of the Week: The Life and DEATH of a Pumpkin
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 11:40 AM

Forget "SAW." Never mind "The Grudge" or "The Hills Have Eyes." You want a true tale of horror? Then watch this video, if you dare!

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A Nightmare on Web Street
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 04:16 PM

Ah, Halloween. A night of frolic, candy and costumes, spooky tales and good-natured fun. But all is not as it seems. Evil lurks in the data centers. The malevolent shadow of inexplicable server crashes and the presence of clueless management fill even the most stalwart of IT professionals with dread. Fortunately, the folks are Hyperic want you to face your fears. The company is sponsoring "A Nightmare on Web Street" -- a short essay contest, in which participants submit their most dreaded IT scenarios they have survived in their careers. The IT pro with the most bone-chilling tale will win a Nintendo Wii.

The deadline is Oct. 30 at 11:59 p.m. PDT -- one minute before Halloween! So send in your tale ... if you dare!

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Viral Video of the Week: Wake Up Cat
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 01:13 PM

This week, a funny little animation for all you feline lovers out there. Not being a cat owner, I have to ask -- does this thing tend to happen?

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Viral Video Of The Week: A Vision Of Students Today
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:27 PM

2008 will be my 20-year high school reunion. My twins also will be turning 4, which means just another two years before they enter the first grade. While waxing nostalgic and at the same time pondering their future academic careers, I came across an interesting video I wanted to share. It's titled "A Vision of Students Today" and sheds a little light on what it means to be in one of today's learning institutions and how technology has affected student lives.

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Viral Video of the Week: The Mom Song
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 04:14 PM

As one-half of the parents of precocious 3-year-old twins, I couldn't help but laugh at this video. In it, comedian Anita Renfroe shares with the young audience what she believes a typical mom would say to her child/teenager during a 24-hour day. Only she does so in just under three minutes, and to the tune of the "William Tell Overture."

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He's Got the Invisible (Tetris) Touch
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:49 AM

I love Tetris, but I'm lucky if I can get past level 13. Check out this Tetris afficionado, who goes by the moniker Jin8. Here he's playing Tetris Grand Master, which includes invisible levels. It starts out slow at first, but by the middle and end, the pieces are dropping at lightning fast speed, which doesn't seem to phase Jin8 in the least. It's pretty amazing to watch.

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Viral Video of the Week: May the Bart Be With You!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:08 PM

Watching this Star Wars/Simpsons mashup, it's hard to believe that it wasn't done by the actual Simpsons animation team. In fact it was created by a very talented animator named Rich Cando. You can find more of Rich's work at richcando.com

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Viral Video of the Week: TV Logo Signon and Signoffs
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:14 AM

When I was a kid I remember sitting in front of the TV during the holiday seasons, waiting for one of the Charlie Brown specials to begin. Just before it started, CBS would display it's Special Presentation Identity logo -- the Word "SPECIAL" spinning with a multicolor trail to some seventies sounding drum and trumpet accompaniment. That six-second opener was like a dinner bell to the Pavlov's Dog in me.

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Viral Video of the Week: Robert Goulet -- Office Gremlin
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 09:45 AM

I know, I know -- how can it be called "Viral Video of the Week" if I don't have one every week? Cut me some slack, huh? One little slip, sheesh.

Anyway, I'm back with a doozy -- did you know that around 3pm, when your blood sugar is really low, Robert Goulet sneaks into your office and messes with all your stuff?

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Viral Video of the Week: Let's Play iMario
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 04:03 PM

So much for a 'closed system,' right Mister Jobs? This video short shows how someone hacked the iPhone in order to install an emulator running the classic Nintendo Entertainment System.

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Viral Video of the Week: Now THAT's Jailhouse Rock
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 12:53 PM

Here's an interesting video that was making the rounds this week: over 1500 inmates at the Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in Cebu City, Philippines performing Michael Jackson's "Thriller" in their courtyard.

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Viral Video of the Week: Mortal Kombat -- The Musical?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 02:06 PM

A couple of guys sparring/training in the middle of Central Park are completely oblivious to the group that has begun to surround them. Little do they know that the troupe is actually DeCadence, an A Cappella group from the University of California, Berkeley. As the realization that they have spectators becomes all too obvious to the karate kickers, nothing can prepare them for what happens next.

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Viral Video of the Week: Welcome Back, Potter
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 11:27 PM

We're just hours away from the release of the final Harry Potter book, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows." There's been a great deal of speculation as to whether Harry will be shuffling off the mortal coil (author J.K. Rowling has alluded to Potter going prone since right after the last book was released).

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Viral Video of the Week: iBlend
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 05:14 PM

From writing and sending e-mail to watching videos (and of course making calls), the iPhone seems capable of doing just about anything. But will it blend?

No, this isn't a trick question and I'm not using some fancy new techno-jargon. In what has to be one of the strangest -- and most expensive -- experiments I've seen to date, the folks at commercial and home blender maker Blendtec pop an iPhone into one of their high-end home blenders, just to see what would happen to the $500 device.

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Viral Video of the Week: Must Love Jaws
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:03 PM

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water...this great mashup takes Jaws -- the action-packed, heart stopping blockbuster that made a generation afraid to go swimming -- and turns it into a feel good, 'Free-Willy' -esque love-fest. It's hysterical!

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Viral Video of the Week: A Whale of a Tale
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:12 PM

This week's video is a classic in more ways than one. It's been circulating the web since before the term "viral video" was ever uttered. Heck, filmed in 1970, it's been around since before the web as we know it.

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Viral Video of the Week - Japanese Tetris?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:57 PM

SNL's Lazy Sunday. The Star Wars Kid. Leonard Nimoy Singing "The Legend of Bilbo Baggins". These and other viral videos have been circulating the web for years now.

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This Week's Friday Itch
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 01:53 PM

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The Dark KnIghT Strikes Again
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:56 PM

Last week our readers swooped in with their contributions to our Top 11 list, "Top 11 Reasons Batman would make a poor InfoSec Manager." But not everyone thought that the Caped Crusader would do a shoddy job protecting critical corporate data. Reader Matt Duda assumed the mantle of the Dark Knight's defender and sent in his own Top 10 list as to why he thought Batman would do a great job! So in the interest of fairness, we present Matt's list to you.

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Make Your Own Blue Screen of Death!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 04:32 PM

A while back we asked our readers to come up with their ideas for a livelier substitute to Microsoft's infamous, but visually mundane Blue Screen of Death (BSoD). You can find all those lovely submissions here at the Top 11 Wacky Replacements for Microsoft's Blue Screen of Death.

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It's Wi-Fi Baby!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 05:17 PM

Couldn't pass up sharing this cute baby onesie. There's a slew of others future geek clothing, including a shirt for baby bloggers, little Linux Users and more at http://www.cafepress.com/buy/
baby/geek/kids

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But Will It Match My Tinfoil Hat?
Posted By Andrew Conry-Murray at 11:44 AM

A new line of wallets has metal-infused RF shielding built in to prevent thieves from remotely scanning RFID-embedded credit cards. This is just silly.

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Protects Your Brain...But Not Your Milk Money
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 04:50 PM

Cell phone radiation: Maybe it's bad for us...maybe it's not so bad. But until we know for sure, the nice folks at Handy-fashions.com don't want you taking any chances.

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Thank You...Thank You Very Much
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 09:44 AM

Here's a computer that the King would have stepped on a dozen blue suede shoes to get to. Computer designer Jeffrey Stephenson created a casemod in the shape of a classic Shure 55 Unidyne microphone, also known by many as "The Elvis Mic." Constructed out of basswood, this baby sports a mini-ITX board and a real cast-iron mic stand that modified as a desktop stand.

More of Jeff's impressive designs can be found here.

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Scrabble Players Rejoice!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 05:18 PM

It's official. Merriam-Webster has announced the newest words that will appear in its next dictionary update, including "google," "spyware," and "mouse potato."

As for non-tech words, you can now tell your wife that the soul patch you've been attempting to grow for several weeks now has been validated by the nice Dictionary people.

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Bloggers Getting 'Pumped Up'
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 11:47 AM

What's the hottest topic to hit blogs in recent months? Could it be Bill Gates' announcement that he'll be stepping down as MS Chief Architect? Perhaps the latest Skype grumblings? Data Security Woes?

Wrong, wrong and zippo. It's all about the gas, baby.

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Rambling On: iDo or iDon't?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 02:48 PM

This weekend as I came through the midtown tunnel into NYC, I spotted several interesting posters adorning the side of a building. One had a sheep wearing what appeared to be iPod earbuds, with the challenge "Don't be an iSheep" or something to that extent. A similar bill bore a primate listening to music with his iPod and the statement "Don't be an iChimp." There was a donkey labeled an "iFollower" for trying to grab a dangling carrot and a guy in a suite with his arms strung up like an "iPuppet." At the bottom of each of these posters was an ominous link -- to iDont.com.

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This PC's Da Bomb!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:46 AM

Here's a PC casemod that's sure to please any evil mastermind -- and give heart palpatations to secret agents, superheroes and planet-saving astronauts everywhere. This computer's case has been made to look like a Hollywood-esque 'Doomsday device,' the kind that have the good guys sweating as they try to figure out which colored wire to cut before the countdown hits zero. Click on the image for more on how it was made.

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Password Protection Only Picasso Could Love
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 02:45 PM

I just couldn't pass this up -- spotted on Boingboing:

"Is that old Bob Ross wannabe on the wall being neglected? Are your laptop-bearing-house guests begging to use your WiFi? Kill two birds by sprucing up the oiled spruces just by transforming that ol' landscape into a wireless LAN-scape password sign."

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Net Neutrality -- as Only a Ninja Could Explain
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 02:30 PM

That wacky master of the Nunchakus -- the Ninja from "Ask a Ninja" is back, and this time around he's here to help you better understand all the confusion surrounding Net Neutrality -- and probably add to it as well.

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One Freaky Casemod
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 12:13 PM

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Click A Kitty
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 02:16 PM

Do your eyes go all kaflooky when the site you're on pops up with one of those scrambled text signups? You know -- the ones where a string of letters or numbers appear up against a weird background that makes it hard to read? The problem with these security measures are that some vision-impaired users cannot always make out the characters. Plus, they're not as secure as some people think -- the right batch of malicious code can slip right past them.

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If you give them the specs, they will code to them...
Posted By Lori MacVittie at 08:40 AM

Apparently this year's O'Reilly Emerging Tech conference sported a few ...side shows.

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A Cell phone in Your Mouth -- No Tooth to That!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 11:05 AM

Do you remember 2002? The Angels beat the Giants in the World Series. Mozilla 1.0 debuted. Star Wars fans saw Clones Attack. And two British engineers were close to debuting a cell phone embedded within a tooth. The hype became so feverish that the product-to-be landed on Time Magazine's 2002 Best Inventions list.

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Stop Violence Against Spammers
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:43 AM

A few weeks ago we asked our readers to send in their ideas for our Top 11 Punishments We'd like to see for Spammers. After reading some of the responses, we came to the immediate conclusion that many of you have been deeply and personally hurt by Spam. How else could we justify some of the more unusual responses? Colonoscopies? Schock treatments? 24 hour reruns of the Osbournes show? My God people -- what did these spammers do to you?

I think it's time for a group hug, don't you? Meanwhile, let's take a look at the unique suggestions offered on how to punish Spammers.

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A Toast Across the Miles?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 11:34 AM

I'm a big believer in the idea that just because the technology is there to make something, doesn't mean that it needs to be made. With that in mind, I present to you -- the Wireless Wine Glasses.

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Meeting Adjourned
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 05:47 PM

In the Latest editon of The Last Mile, you'll find our reader submitted "Top 11 Ways to Shorten a Dull IT Staff Meeting." We couldn't cram them all into the page, so submitted for your approval (or revulsion) are all the entries from our rogue's gallery.

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An IT Haiku For You
Posted By Rich Karpinski at 02:51 PM

The last time we posted an IT Haiku, folks were just starting to string up the holiday lights around the servers. Hey, don't blame us -- some of guys just don't know how to count syllables.

Fortunately, John Gregor remembered the 5-7-5 rule of Haikus and came through for us. John's poem is no doubt an homage to that often-told Tech Support 'horror' story:

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Smokin' Tunes!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 08:18 AM

If you're trying to quit smoking and you love listening to MP3s, here's a great way to play your favorite music in your car and rid yourself of the temptaion to light up at the same time. The Yifang EM192F is a car charger, FM modulator, and USB MP3/WMA reader, all in one device.

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Return of the Dawn of the Day of the Living IT Haiku
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:13 AM

It's been a while since we posted a reader's IT Haiku. In case you're new to this, we asked our lovely audience a while back to submit Haikus -- small poems of Japanese origin that consist of a pattern of approximately 5, 7, and 5 syllables. Of course our twist was the Haikus needed an IT spin. Though the contest ended, we still continued to get submissions, so we decided to post the funnier ones every so often.

A few folks sent in some amusing little narratives, but forgot the 5-7-5 rule -- so unfortunately they were disqualified. Ryan Russell remembered it however, and sent in this little ditty:

Users Call for help
Desperately I ask Them
Is the Caps-Lock on?

Nice one Ryan. Today you have earned our respect. Tomorrow? Eh, maybe not so much. We'll talk. We'll see.

Send in an IT Haiku!

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Renaming the Internet
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 05:07 PM

Back in our October 13th, 2005 edition of the Last Mile, we asked those twisted and disturbed individuals we affectionately call our readers (also known as "you") to offer up their most creative ideas for a new name for the Internet. That's right. The World Wide Web. Cyberspace. The thing you're on right now.

One or two submissions had to be chucked out (Hey, we try not to work too blue here). Alot of you seem to remember a Mister Al Gore claiming responsibility for creating the Internet (Poor Al). And some of you are just plain, well...wierd.

We did manage to select a winner. You can find the Internet's new name in our December 8th edition of Last Mile. For now, however -- enjoy all the submissions that were fit to print.

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Ahoy Mates!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 05:27 PM

As you know, each December we proudly present to you our Survivor's Guide for the coming year -- what you need to know and how you can prepare for the next 365 days in the world of IT, networking, security, wireless and other technology categories.

As you're also aware, each Survivor's Guide issue features a heroic band of adventurers who grace the cover, braving dangerous obstacles in each of the technology categories.

In the past years, they've braved dense jungles and crossed frozen tundras. This year, our heroes are sailing the ocean blue. But before they can cast off, they need your help.

We'd like you to name the the ship that will appear on the cover of this year's "Survivor's Guide" issue. Just submit your IT-centric name for our seafaring vessel in the form below. We'll christen the ship with the best pick.

In addition, the winner will score an 'NWC Treasure Chest' which includes:

• an NWC cell phone hands free headset
• an NWC mint tin
• an NWC stylus-pen combo
• an NWC pen

So what are you waiting for, ya scurvy scallywags? Send in your entry now!

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No words.
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 04:16 PM

This story pretty much speaks for itself.

I'll meet you at the bar afterwards. First round's on you.

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Rambin' On: Taking The Butler Out With the Trash
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:42 PM

It was strangely chilly last night as I strolled through the park. I was grateful I had grabbed my jacket as I pulled the collar up and shoved my hands into my pockets. Thoughts of a warm cup of Starbucks Coffee flooded my mind as I passed by the section of the park where alot of homeless hunker down for the night. Most of them were sleeping, or staring off vacantly. As I passed by one particular fellow however, he called up to me in a surprisingly refined British Accent, "Pardon me sir, but would be you be so kind as to spare a few coins?"

I fumbled through my pocket, fishing out a dollar and some change. As I extended my hand I looked into the face of the poor devil before me, and my jaw dropped.

"My god...Jeeves? Is that really you?"

Yes, it was none other the familiar valet who greeted web searchers when they arrived at the doorstep of AskJeeves.com. Jeeves' clothes were tattered, his face unshaved. He looked a wreck.

"Indeed," Jeeves replied, trying to muster what dignity he could, "It seems my services were no longer required."

As I sat down on the bench next to the fallen icon, he began to relay his tale. A few days earlier, he had been busy taking care of an inquiry on the site when a call came in. Seems Ask owner Barry Diller made a surprising announcement at an investor conference. "He informed everyone that research results found that internet users were having trouble identifying with me," Jeeves explained, "Apparently, they were confused over what I represented."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I said incredulously, "What's there not to understand. You go to the site. You ask a question. You get an answer. Done."

"Ah yes, but as you may be aware, the technology behind the site has changed vastly. Users are no longer limited to asking questions. Our search engine could accommodate many more types of inquiries."

"Okay, so?"

"So it appears that my presence no longer fits into the company, and actually hampers people's understanding of what we do."

"You're serious? You're a (expletive) cartoon character!" I yelled, "I don't know ANYONE who has ever gone to your site and gotten confused. Again, you go the site. You put in a question. Or a keyword. Or a shoe size. Whatever. You get the answer you move on."

"I daresay, my enthusiastic friend, that I share your sentiment. But apparently not all web users are as savvy as you?"

Jeeves went on to say that there was no actual timeframe from when he would disappear from the site, but as I could see, he was already beginning to feel the effects.

"I couldn't afford the luxury apartment any more," Jeeves cried, "The company car is gone. They took my 24 karat feather duster too. I'm a shell of what I once was."

The time grew late and I had to head home. As I shook his grimy hand, passing two twenty dollar bills to him in the process, I thought about the idiocy of some people on the web. A cartoon butler left them confused when they tried to do a web search? What else causes these mental midgets to overload? Do they feel compelled to yodel when the go to Yahoo.com? Do they think that all the books and CDs you buy at Amazon.com come from a little tribe living in a rainforest?

Perhaps there would be hope for Jeeves. He mentioned he had an audition to play the Alfred's long lost brother in the new Batman cartoon.

Hey, the Pets.com sock puppet got a second chance. Why not Jeeves?

Alright, enough ramblin'.

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When Bill Met Napoleon
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 05:08 PM

The Microsoft bigwig teamed up with Napoleon Dynamite in this spoof video from PDC 2005. The camera's a little shaky, but you get the idea.

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Ranblin' On: Vista Lite, Vista Classic, Vista Fat-Free?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 01:53 PM

You know what drives me nuts? I'm sitting there, watching "Lost," waiting for them to tell me what the heck's at the bottom of that hatch, and the next thing I know, I'm watching a commercial where the announcer informs me I can now purchase Product XYZ in four "great" versions. There's the original formula, the fume-free formula, the fast-acting formula, the one that comes in the limited edition Will Ferrell "Elf" shaped bottle formula.

Is it really so hard for these companies to manufacturer a version of Product XYZ that works just like the original, but does all those other things too (except maybe the Will Ferrell shaped bottle)? Of course not. But if the makers of these fine products threw all those formulas into one can, that would mean fewer product options on the shelves to entice us (read: sucker us with). After all, maybe you were a fan of the original version, but the smell of pinecones and dog hair was just a little too aromatic. So you try the fume-free version, only to discover it just doesn't work quite as quickly as the odiferous one. Shucks!

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Ramblin' On: Ex-AOL Employee Learns His Lesson -- Don't Get Caught
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:51 PM

Let's play a game of "What They Say/What they Mean," shall we?

Jason Smathers, Ex-AOL employee convicted of stealing AOL screen names and selling them to SPAMMers says: "I know I've done something very wrong."

What Jason Means: "By wrong, I mean I shouldn't have stuck around here. I should have gotten onto that plane to the Bahamas when I had the chance."

Come on -- does anyone really believe that this guy's sorry? Please. Jason's sorry he's not drinking a frozen concoction in Margaritaville while taking a break from sunbathing on the beach. Jason's sorry he's not rolling in hundred dollar bills on top of his bed.

He's sorry he got caught.

You know who else is sorry? The owners of the 92 million (say it with me -- MILLION) screen names and email address Jason lifted and sold to SPAMMers. I bet they're also sorry that Jason copped a plea and is now only going to spend 15 months in prison for jeprodizing their privacy and identities. Meanwhile, they'll continute to be sorry as they get a slew of "Enlarge body part XX" emails or letters from the Zimbawbwee Prime Minister looking for a "reliable person" to help him hide large sums of cash."

I got an idea. Let's cut Jason's prison sentence in half, and he can spend the rest of his time knocking on the doors of every AOL subscriber affected by this action. He can tell them He's sorry in person. I bet his lip, left eye and nose will be real sorry after the first couple of visits.

Hey, we've got time for one more "What They Say/What they Mean."

Microsoft Mogul Bill Gates says: "Computers will keep getting smaller, and they'll make it easier to wade through e-mails, schedule appointments, stay on top of news and to-do lists and make lawmakers' work more transparent to the public."

What Lord Gates Means: "Soon computers will be so tiny they can be ingested. And when they're inside people, we will activate the mind control and rule the world -- Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha -- ooooh Double Stuff Oreos!"

Alright. Enough Ramblin!

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Did they HAVE computers in the '60s?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:54 AM

I mean, weren't they all just painted cardboard with flashing lights, ala Star Trek? Lo and behold apparently not. Check out these pics (over at boingboing.net) of some Data Center action around 40-some-odd years ago. The one with the bathroom plunger kills me (yes, bathroom plunger).

Ramblin' On: "Video Snacks"; Space--STILL the Final Frontier
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 02:13 PM

Advertising. I can't get away from it. I end up watching more commercials than I do my favorite TV shows. I can't get through an issue of "Y: The Last Man" without a stupid Skechers ad ("We put the 'S' In action!" Right. Learn to Spell!) I get totally distracted by the glare of the light-up stupid FreshDirect billboard on the way to the Midtown tunnel. (Hey, great idea, let's take drivers' minds off the road!) Of course, every day there's a new popup ad on the Internet (yesterday's winner: "Does Bigfoot Exist? Click yes or no to win a prize!"). And, of course, I certainly couldn't have enjoyed the "Wedding Crashers" this weekend without a solid 10 minutes of Coke, Cingular and car commercials before the film started (never mind the %*#(!@ product placement throughout most of today's movies)--but I digress.

Yes sir, everywhere I go. Crestor ad here, Maybeline there.

And now it seems the cell phone shall fall.

Over on EETimes, they have a little article on 'video snacking,' a wonderful idea from a panel at the "Toy Tour" sponsored by Texas Instruments. These "snacks" would be commercially produced clips of no more than 10 minutes in length. Who knows what the content would be: mini soap operas, news briefs, celebrity gossip. And who cares. The point is, you know that coming right behind these videos--and right in front of them AND right in between them--will be commercials.

That's all I need--turning on my cell phone and watching some doofus spray on Axe body spray and get ravaged by a bunch of grannies as he walks by their bingo club.

What's next? Inserting commercials into the actual phone calls?

"So yeah--the Vet said that it was the right thing to do. Scruffy was just so old and in so much pai-"

"YOUR DOGGY DESERVES THE VERY BEST. SO NEXT TIME YOUR SHOPPING, PICK UP BEGGIN' STRIPS! HE'LL THANK YOU WITH LOVE AND LICKS! We now return you to your phone call."

::choke:: "Scruffy! Nooooooooo!!!!!"

In other news, congrats to the Space Shuttle folks for getting home safe and sound. Unfortunately, the problems they experienced during their mission are threatening the shuttle program. And just today, NASA scrapped plans for a Mars mission to send another orbiter around the red planet.

I know it can't be just me, but is anyone else beginning to think that something's not quite right with our space program? I mean, according to "Star Trek," Khan should have been up there in space since around '96 waiting for the Enterprise to find him a couple of hundred years later. A lot of our sci-fi shows were waaay off target in guessing when we'd be landing on Mars and sipping espresso in Lunar Base coffee houses. So what gives? And, seriously, why the heck HAVEN'T we gone back to the moon? I mean, we did how many lunar landings back in the 60s and 70s? You can't tell me, "Well, it's just a big ol' rock, we don't have any reasons to go back." Excuse me, but it's the MOON! It's in OUTER FRIGGIN SPACE! It's the closest thing to another planet we can get to right now. Get your frozen ice cream eating, Tang slurping butts back over there and show everyone we've still got what it takes.

Unless, of course, those conspiracy theorists are right and the whole thing was on a Hollywood back lot. It's all a diabolical plot by Secret Society of Illuminati Freemasons who keep stealing people's kidneys and leaving them in tubs of ice!

(BTW, I just realized that my first three columns all focused on cell phones in some respect. Weird. Just kinda happened that way...honest. I promise to think of something completely unrelated next week.)

All right, Enough Ramblin'.

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Last Mile Top 11 -- Bernie in the Big House
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 12:04 PM

I must have been suffering from a terrible case of Brain Cloud, because I realized I've let the most recent Last Mile Top 11 slip by without posting the extra submissions online. I'll take Thirty Lashes with a wet noodle as punishment.

So without further adieu, here's all the submissions for the "Top 11 Reasons Bernie Ebbers' Prison Time Will Be Tougher Than Martha Stewart's"

Ronald Peterson

Skills learned when he was talking about Wcom's stock will be
invaluable, when he speaks about his Blue Plate Specials.

peter stern

- Bernie's approved visitor list only includes Worldcom share holders.

- Prison phone system still uses Worldcom for long distance calls.

Charles R. Roderick

He's going to be "real good" pals with Bubba. such good pals that
their "gonna be really tight."

Ken Graham
While I might have subscribed to Martha's "Caged Heat" WebCam, unless I was a WorldCom Stockholder the "Bernie's my Bitch" WebCam just wouldn't hold the same appeal.

Nick Nielsen
No formatting options in a prison cell.

gregory mamayek
I think somebody made an error. Check it out.

Gerald Brown
Hmmmmm, billions vs thousands, which is more?

Gary Hoke
He won't be able to wear a bra to steal spices in.

gregory mamayek
~ He can't cook, except the books.

~ No vaseline

~ Look at his initials: BE (Back End)

~ Ex-employees whom have been incarcerated now have the chance for revenge.

~ The shareholders now know where to find him.

~ No weekend retreat, except for the corner of the cage, you rat!

Robert Foster

Bernie's cellmate "Bubba" can't even spell computer.

Kevin Barrer
Martha had a company waiting for her - Bernie will be lucky to catch on as a megastore greeter!

Bret Pothier
Camp cupcake will be what the other inmates call Bernie...not where he will be staying

Afolabi Fakayode
There's no Internet Access

David Joachim
After paying restitution to shareholders, Bernie only has, er, services to trade for cigarettes.

Ramblin' On: Have Cell Phone, Don't Travel; The Good Doctor
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 12:04 PM

While perusing through some of the news sites today, I spotted one of those 'slap you upside the head' kind of headlines on msnbc.com -- "Why cell phone service here sucks," by Gary Krakow. Rather than regurgitate everything that Mr. Krakow wrote, I'll let you check it out for yourself. Instead I'll share with you my own little experience on why cell phone service in America is just not...shall we say, up to par?

Just a few months ago, while en route to visit my brother-in-law in West Virginia *, we got lost. The directions he gave us for the "uber cool secret shortcut to save us plenty of time" weren't panning out. "No problem," said my lovely wife, whipping out the little wonder of modern technology with the intent to call her brother and get some directional assistance. But -- shock of shocks, the cell phone didn't work -- there was no reception to be had. "That happens," I said, figuring we were in a 'dry patch' of cellular reception, "We'll drive a few more minutes and we should get some bars soon." Well a few minutes became almost 45 minutes. And it was getting dark. And we were in the middle of the Appalachians. And my twin toddler sons were getting restless. And did I mention my mother-in-law was traveling with us?

I know. I was scared too.

Fortunately, we found a gas station with two very sweet young ladies who helped us on our way, despite the fact that "we talked funny." Once we got to my brother-in-laws, and gave him hell for his insane directions that sent us up into the mountains on winding roads that had no barriers and very steep drops (I digress), we called Cingular to find out what the deal was.

"Oh, we're sorry. We don't carry service in that area." Was the half-apologetic reply. "But, you're Cingular. Your ads are like...everywhere." I replied with dejection in my voice. To add more salt and lemon juice to my wireless wounds, just as the conversation with the rep ended, I turned my eyes to the TV set on in my brother-in-law's room. Whose commercial was on at that moment? Cingular Wirless.

So what's the deal, Wireless Moguls of America? Why do some of us get cruddy reception in our own living rooms while visiting friends get calls without problems? Why are you pitching your amazing service in areas that don't even get it? Why can Mister Krakow drive down a rural European Road with nary a farm in sight and still get a call from his friends saying "Stop and get some scones before you come over for the Eastenders Marathon?"

Speaking of British Telly...

While most of my friends are gushing about the new Battlestar Galactica, and I have to sit back and wait for September for my "Lost" fix, I've been enjoying the rebirth of a favorite show of mine from when I was a kid -- Doctor Who. The new series stars Christopher Eccleston as the time-traveling Time Lord, with UK pop star turned-actress Billie Piper as his companion. Because the stupid Sci-Fi channel won't air the show, I had to rely on a friend who procured the eps from someone in the UK -- I'm watching them on my PC as .avi files. Not ideal, but still great to see the Doctor in action once more. Check out eBay, as you'll probably find them there. It's worth the effort.

Alright, enough ramblin.

* for the record, Mapquest says the trip from New York to Elkins West Virginia takes approximately 8 hours. They really should include a button to push that says "Click here if you have children to increase trip time by four hours."**

** Note to self: Don't drive to Elkins West Virginia ever again.***

*** Note to self again: No really. I mean it. It can only end in tears -- mostly my own.

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Ramblin' On: Daylight Savings; Surfing on a Cellphone
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 05:28 PM

Hi all,

Welcome to the first edition of my semi-regular (read: Whenever I actually have time) Techno-Oddities column, "Ramblin' On." As you can surmise by the title, I'm going to be doing just that -- yapping about anything that catches my attention, makes me chuckle, or pisses me off (more than likely the latter).

Getting right into it, let's talk about the whole Daylight savings time thing the folks in DC are proposing. If you've been living under a beach umbrella, you might have missed that our fine politicians have proposed an extension to Daylight savings time, extending it a month. Their logic -- more daylight increases productivity, cuts down on traffic accidents, and conserves energy.

Cut down on accidents huh? Tell that to the three I passed (at five miles an hour) this morning on the Long Island Expressway. Maybe all this daylight got in their eyes?

And I'm sorry -- conserve energy? Not on our side of the workforce fence. In fact, there's a chance that we'll have some tweaks and mods to make on computer clocks and other various programs that rely on time-based software. So computers will be running longer while fixes are made, and our IT guys will be staying later at work while making those fixes, and surprise...end up driving home in the dark anyway.

But hey, why worry? As Reps. Edward Markey of Massachusetts says, the change "...will make everyone sunnier."

Gosh Golly, Ed's right! I'll be so much happier with the sun smiling down on me as I skip down sugardrop lane on my way home to my Gingerbread house in snugglefrump valley.

(Sigh.)

No doubt the folks at AOL will be happy for more sun in their workdays -- it'll give them time to test their new Mobile Search Services. The service will let wireless phone users search the Internet and link to regular Web pages that it will reformat for tiny cell-phone screens.

Okay, has ANYONE really surfed the web using a cell phone? I mean come on -- really. I bought a cell phone a while back that had browsing capabilities. I used it once. I ended up with a new cell phone a few months a later. The most I've done with my current cell phone is downloaded a cute little version of "Burger Time" to play while my wife is in the store. And even that gives me a headache when I try to stare at the little frankfurter and eggs chasing my lil' blob of a chef guy as he tries to stack the hamburgers. Why the migraine? Because the screen is WEE! It's just a teeny thing. Who the heck wants to check out websites on these little screens? I don't even bother text messaging anyone -- Then again, I'm not fourteen and sitting in a boring ol' Biology class.

Surfing the web belongs on a computer, not on a cell phone...unless you're a smurf.

Alright. Enough rambling for one week.

T

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Livin' La Viva Vista?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 02:07 PM

Last week, Microsoft decided it was to drop the tag "Longhorn" for its upcoming operating system. Instead, come 2006, everyone will prostrate themselves before "Windows Vista."

The Redmond folks have some real clever marketing planned for this puppy -- the software's tagline is "Bringing clarity to your world." Plus it also gets three very powerful keywords -- "Clear, Confident, Connected."

Can't you feel the confidence building inside you right now? (Maybe it's just lunch repeating on you)

Curious, I took a stroll over to the Mirriam Webster Dictionary online to scope out the definition of "Vista." This is what I found.

Main Entry: vis·ta
Pronunciation: 'vis-t&
Function: noun
Etymology: Italian, sight, from visto, past participle of vedere to see, from Latin vidEre -- more at WIT
1 : a distant view through or along an avenue or opening : PROSPECT
2 : an extensive mental view (as over a stretch of time or a series of events)

These definitions aren't all that far off I guess. After all, it seems like prospects of the software being released on time are distant. And when it does, it will leave us all feelng mental.

Some WebFads Never Fade Away
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 11:27 AM

Its hard to believe that it was about seven years ago when we were all emailing one another with a link to a wierd little website filled with a myriad of animated, dancing Hamsters. And of course there was that little tune that will haunt us for the rest of our lives -- "Dee da dee da dee da doo doo doo." You know what I'm talking about -- the infamous Hampsterdance (yes, spelled, or misspelled that way).

And while we're down this memory lane, who can forget the horror of the Dancing Baby -- so popular at one time it "Ugha Chacka'd" its way onto the set of Ally "For the Love of God, eat something will you?" McBeal

The fine folks at CNet haven't. As a matter of fact, you'll find the hamsters, the baby and eight other internet phenomena have taken up residence over there -- thanks to CNet's compilation of the top 10 Web Fads.

Enjoy. And Remember -- All your Base...well, you know.

Coffee's Just a Click Away
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 11:46 AM

The MugMouse Click to Enlarge

Chances are you won't find this sold at your local Starbucks or McDonalds -- they've had enough trouble with hot, cross customers ending up with coffee 'tween their legs. I daresay you probably have to sign some sort of waiver before using this mouse/coffee mug hybrid. But the folks at SLOWEB aren't out to intentionally give you a steaming lapful of hot joe -- Quite the opposite. Their thought is that life is too fast paced. Therefore by using The MugMouse -- filled with your double shot latte espresso Americano deluxe -- you'll have no choice but to slow things down a bit.

Of course one can only hope that this gizmo is plug 'n' play -- otherwise it would be a real pain to have to reboot every time you plugged it back in after a coffee run.

IT Haiku -- Electric Boogaloo
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:38 PM

It's that time again -- our weekly IT Haiku winner. Carefully chosen (read: at the last minute) from the hundreds (read: dozen or so) entries -- this week's winning poem comes from John Inscoe:

When email is down
We can't send you a notice
That says email's down

How true John. How true. Of course, that doesn't stop folks from getting upset, does it? Chances are these are the same folks in your company who also like to use that handy-dandy beverage holder that pops out of their computer from time to time. Am I right?

Want to show us your poetic prowress? Send in an IT Haiku. And remember the 5-7-5 rule, 'kay?

Networked copy/paste
Posted By Mike DeMaria at 03:11 PM

Here's my million dollar idea for the day. I want to be able to copy content from one machine and paste it on another machine. This could be done somehow over the network. Maybe two machines grant each other a trust relationship, and you can send data from one to the next.

I'm using a traditional KVM, and have my documentation on one machine, active work space on another machine. I want to be able to select text from the documentation and paste it on my second, third, fourth or fifth machine. I don't want to have to use USB flash drives or FTP or tinyurl.com or email or any of that stuff. Networked clipboards. It'd be great in the lab, but also at home. There are times when I'm viewing a link on my Mac and I want to transfer it to my Windows machine, but I can't do that easily or quickly. I would gladly pay upwards of $19.95 for it. And this post shall be considered prior art if any of you try to patent it.

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Stupid Spammer Tricks
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:16 PM

Our very own Don MacVittie received an interesting e-mail in what appeared to be Russian (I can't really tell -- I have enough trouble with English). This prompted Don's following comments:

Note to spammers in any language...

When you spam, it is a good idea not to use an address that ends in "@punkass.com" as your subject when spamming business email addresses.

This has been a public service message.

Don.

Too wacky to be true? Feast your eyes on the prize:

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Droids at Work
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:37 AM

In our June 23rd edition of The Last Mile, we told you about a team of Italian Engineers who created their very own RD-D2. It chirps like the original, walks on two or three legs, and--get this--comes equipped with Bluetooth and USB. Their hope is that robots like this could someday be used in museums, hospitals, and even homes.

Naturally, we wondered how such a technical wonder might be used in an IT department. Here are a few ideas:

• Projects a hologram of your boss saying, "Luke, you must install the new blade servers today--you're our only hope"

• Translates convoluted end-user problem calls into technically accurate trouble tickets

Now we want to hear from you, oh wise Jedi. How would you use a real droid in your IT department? Submit your ideas here.

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This Week's IT Haiku
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 02:53 PM

Our IT haiku competition is still going strong -- check out this week's poem, By Allen Hess (though we're not sure if Allen's actually insulting us or not here):

Fools art thou who try
To encourage geek Haiku
For hell awaits them

Well done Allen. You receive our official 'no-prize' of the week (anyone else remember those from Marvel Comics years ago)?

The rest of you, send those haikus in. And remember, the 5/7/5 syllable per line rule? It's not 5/22/17 -- sheesh. This ain't T.S Elliot here, folks.

The Phone that Fits Like a Glove
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:14 AM

When I was little, I was always amazed at Maxwell Smart shoe phone. Not only was it a phone inside a shoe, it didn't have any wires attached to it! Of course, I always chuckled wondering if the person on the other end would ever say "Boy Max, your feet sure stink."

Hey, I was a kid. Bet you thought the same thing!

Anyway, digression aside, Agent 86 can kick off his shoes and try something new for dialing up the chief -- The world's first 'Phone Glove!'

All you need to make your own is:

Any Bluetooth headset
Small Clippers
Electrical Tape
Soldering Iron and bits
Any thin flexible electrical wire - colour coded will help
A few strips of transparent plastic (ripped up old sandwich box)
Your glove of choice
Lining fabric (not all that necessary, but sensible)

Good luck! And remember, if it blows up in your face (or your hand for that matter), you can just say "Missed it by that much." (Just don't sue us. We didn't actually tell you to try this -- you crazy person you).

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Cascade Gets Your Keyboard Virtually Spotless?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:31 AM

Before you freak out on me here -- I am absolutely, positively NOT endorsing this.

With that in mind, may I present to you instructions on how to clean your keyboard in a dishwasher.

Come on. You know you've got an old sticky soda-covered keyboard somewhere in your basement. You know you wanna try this just once!

Today's Bad Pun award...
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 05:25 PM

Goes to the Cloudy Nights Astronomical Community for their t-shirt with the logo "Cloudy Nights-- Where Astronomers Cluster."

And the "I can't believe you bought this" award goes to our very own Brad Shimmin!

Be wary of men bearing gifts...
Posted By Lori MacVittie at 08:49 PM

Forget-Me-Not Panties.

There has never been so obvious a case of technology gone wrong as this.

I won't even comment on the fact that they aren't selling "Forget-me-not-Boxers" for the men in your life.

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Would you call it C3-"PC"-O?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 07:28 AM

If your obsession with all things Star Wars has just enough room for one more frivolous but highly coveted purchase (the Jar-Jar Binks toilet brush just didn't satisfy your cravings), Alienware's about to make your midichlorians happy: the company will be releasing two Star Wars themed computers -- one for the light side of the force, and one for the dark. The PCs will come loaded with Star Wars movie soundtracks, wallpapers, and game demos.

But why stop there? Why not some other sci-fi inspired computers:

• Classic Star Trek PCs: made of cardboard with useless flashing lights.
• The Matrix PC: To start, Choose the red or blue button.
• The Day the Earth Stood Still PC: Clearly a Windows Machine

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Kraft Macaroni & Cheese -- Now with SPAM
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 08:53 AM
Say it isn't so. The makers of that yummy cheezy macaroni that got so many of us through the long drudgery of college life on little money has been accused of SPAM? A small ISP in California says so. Joe Wagner, founder of Hypertouch.com, says the maker of chocolately good Oreos, succulent Triscuts, yummy Jell-O and creamy, dreamy Cool-Whip (I'm on a diet. Can you tell?) slammed his company with thousands of messages pitching their Gevalia coffee subscription service. Joe's lawyer says he's got solid legal footing for the case because the email pitches appeared to come from a non-existent sender, thereby violating the federal CAN-SPAM act and California's own anti-spam laws. Joe says he's entitled to $11.7 million in damages...but will settle for having Oreo cookies renamed "Wagner-O's." (Relax, I'm kidding about the last part. Sheesh.)

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Mmmmm...MPez3 anyone?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 09:02 AM

From the "Ummm, okay?" department: the folks who make the culturally iconic Pez candy (not to mention the gazillions of Pez head dispensers) are looking to stick something other than the fruity confections into their candy holders -- specifically, MP3s.

Along with a partner, the Pez folks are working on MP3 players that will look exactly like their classic candy dispensers. Using Samsun memory, they'll be sold in a range of models and come with headphones and a USB cable. No word yet if new heads for the dispensers will include IT industry favs like Bill Gates, Larry Ellison or Steve Ballmer.

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Ode To Bernard Ebbers
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 01:39 PM

"Bernie Ebb, Bernie Ebb,"
the judge he did decree --
"It's okay kid, you're free to go...
Just kidding, you are guilty!"

And so the tale of WorldCom's boss
it seems comes to an end
You started as a milkman,
now you're heading to the penn.

"I don't know tech, I never did!"
We heard poor Bernie cry.
Sure you don't -- and by the way,
them pigs -- they still can't fly.

So Goodbye Bernie and hello SOX,
What is there left to say?
Well, we're the ones now stuck with this thing --
so who's really gotta pay?

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Warning Warning: Windows NT Support Ending
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 10:27 AM
Those whacky kids at Novell are at it again with a commercial spotlighting a dangerous new mental illness running rampant through Windows NT-dependent IT administrators. It's called Service and Support Termination Trauma, SSTT for short. Deranged? Dangerous? Inspired? No. This is just the kind of thing you'd expect from a company built over a landfill. Methane-cola anyone?


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The Call of Cthulhu's iPod?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 02:21 PM
Do you think as the ancient, Lovecraftian horror Cthulhu lies "Dead but Dreaming" in his sunken city, he cranks up a little Foghat on his iPod to drown out the sounds of the insignificant insects (read: us) above him? If he does, he might want to use this handy-dandy iPod cozy that bears a striking resemlance to the cephalopod-eque creature himself.

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Song Boy Lives!
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 05:03 PM
Rest in peace "Star Wars Kid." There's a new king of the unintentional performance art hill, Song Boy. Just don't let Mike DeMaria know that he has a new high-water mark to reach for.

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Harry Potter and the Fiendish Phishers
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 04:43 PM

No, its not the name of the next book starring a certain young wizard-in-training. But young Mister Potter now has something in common with Phishing -- he's an unwilling particpant in a new scam.

Potter Author JK Rowling has warned her die-hard fans to watch out for a new phishing ploy in which an email offers to sell electronic copies of her latest book. Naturally, all you have to do is provide some bank and/or credit card info.

Problem is the book hasn't even been released yet -- it's not due until July 16th.

"Please, please protect yourselves, your computers and your credit cards and do not fall for these scams," JK implores.

Sounds to me like Malfoy and those rotten Slytherin kids are up to no good!

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I MSN Search'd It!
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 06:49 PM
I was happy to see yesterday that Microsoft at last unveiled its revamped (non-Yahoo) search engine, search.msn.com. From cursory tests, the engine appears to function as well as it should. It knows where to find us, anyway. However, in reading about the finally official engine, I did see one area where the product could stand some improvement -- namely, marketing. Here's a choice quote from a story on C|Net:

"They'll be trying to get people to say "I MSN Search'ed it'," said Danny Sullivan, an industry expert, referring to the commonly mentioned practice of "Googling" something or someone.

Yesssss. Now that's got a nice ring to it.

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Loud Cell phone talker? Flip 'em...a card
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:22 AM

See that jerk over there yammering out loud on his cell phone about the stupid Jets game a couple of days ago? Yeah, we're all upset too, but we don't really need to hear about how his buddy in Albany lost $120 bucks on the game.

You know them -- those rude cell phone talkers who force everyone to listen in on their half of their conversation. It doesn't matter if you're in a resturaunt, supermarket, movie theatre or funeral home -- they're loud and they don't care. A confrontation is the last thing you want to have, but you just can't take it anymore, right?

The Society for HandHeld Hushing, or SHHH, hears your plight and is here to help.

The fictional organization is the brainchild of Designers Jim Coudal of Chicago's Coudal Partners and Aaron Draplin of Portland, Oregon-based Draplindustries Design. Jim and Aaron, along with Jim's wife, have created a set of handy-dandy downloadable cards that you can quietly place in front of the offending gabber and then walk away. The cards have phrases like, "The rest of us don't care what he/she said to you." and "The world is a noisy place, you aren't helping things."

Of course, it may not guarantee there won't be a confrontation, but at least it will be a memorable one.

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LEGOs ROXOR
Posted By Lori MacVittie at 11:13 AM

Someone has way too much time on their hands. Both the guy who did this and my brother, who somehow managed to find this obscure link.

Someone over at the Goldfish Online has recreated working logic gates in LEGOs.

You can check them over for accuracy here

Perhaps we'll see LEGO kits for this available for purchase for the geek in your life? We could only hope...

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More Than Meets the Eye
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 01:12 PM
If you're a child of the 80's (and a fan of the Transformers), or know someone who was, you'll appreciate this car commercial from overseas. If that's not an amazing use of computer graphics, I don't know what is.

One thing's for certain -- the robots in the upcoming 'Transformers' movie better look that good (though I don't expect Optimus Prime to Moonwalk.)

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Targeted Advertising
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 09:29 AM
Like most technology publications, we're always looking to expand our advertiser base, obviously with the aim of bringing you, our readers, a wider selection of relevant technology solutions. However, the following query may be taking that notion a bit too far:

Dear Sir Madam,

we as African reptile breeders are looking to advertise or reptiles and fauna in your publication, Could you please forward to us a old copy of your magazine along with advertising rates and subscription fees.

Thanking you in anticipation

Would you like an iguana with your Cisco IGX 8400 Series Switch?

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Doin' the Ballmer Dance
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:11 PM

I have no idea which events or tradeshows these are from, but I just keep watching both clips and giggling my head off.

Watching the first one, I'm fairly certain Steve must have watched some old Howard Dean footage. Either that or WWE Wrestling Matches.

After watching the second one, all I can say is Steve -- three words. Arrid. Extra. Dry.

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Happy Birthday, Billy Boy!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:26 AM

Bill Gates is a spry 49 years young today! I wonder what you could get the man who has money enough to buy everything?

Maybe a datebook/planner so he can keep track of the changing dates for LongHorn's release?

Oh yes, I went there.

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The Robots Are Coming!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:43 AM

Mark your calendars -- 2007 is the year of the Robot!

The robotics field is expected to see a huge surge in the next few years, in both the home and industrial markets. According a report by the United Nations Economic Commission for Europe (ECE), the chances of having a robot perform menial or even hazardous tasks has increased dramatically.

The report predicted healthy growth for the use of home-robots, from 610,000 today to more than four million in 2007. Industrial-class robots will continue to grow and continue to extend their record 18 percent rise in the first half of the current year.

So keep an eye out on your lawn, your wash, or that building down the road that's scheduled to be torn down. With Episode III almost done, Artoo and Threepio are bound to be looking for work.

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Vote for Kerry
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:17 PM

Don't worry, we're not getting all political on you. Nor are we going to remind you to 'get out there and vote.' You already know this an important election this November.

BUT, we do want you to take our special poll -- and tell us if Senator Kerry was an operating system, which one would he be?

And come back on Monday to tell us which OS President Bush would be.

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Can You Hear Me -- YOW What's That Smell?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 03:28 PM

From the department of useless technology -- a German telecommunications company is working on a cell phone that offers an unusual feature: it can tell you if your breath stinks.

The phone will have a tiny chip that can detect unpleasant scents including body odor. So before getting connected, you'd better pop a Mentos and slather on some deodorant.

Now, if it could tell me my cholesterol was high, THEN they might have a sale.

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Windows SP2 Easter Eggs
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 12:12 PM
I was going through the Top 11 submissions for an upcoming issue of Network Computing's Last Mile, where we asked you to tell us the "Top 11 undocumented Easter Eggs hidden within Windows XP SP2," and I was floored by the extensive, almost short story-like submissions. Since I couldn't fit them all into the final print story, here are a few of my favorites in a award format:

• Best Obscure Reference Award
  Ray Gauthier

  Press Ctrl-Shift-F (to get the French version) and "Internet Connection Firewall" is replaced with "Maginot Line." And we all know how successful THAT was.

• Best Too Much Information Award
  Arnold Febre

  Typing in 'aquarium screensaver' in the Help and Support search box gives you the cool aquarium screensaver found in XP Plus, but all the fish are dead. However, you can choose three fish you want to see dead from a set of 12 choices as well as their various states of decay (recently deceased and floating, recently deceased and sunken, barely eaten with eyes intact, half eaten with one eye gone, etc...).

• Best Bad Mental Visual Award
  Doug Whitaker

  Hit Ctrl and click on the Windows Security Center systray shield to start a special Weezer 'Happy Days' music video in which a young Bill Gates wears a black leather jacket, plays the bongos and is very cool.

  
  
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VoIP...the MOVIE???
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 01:34 PM

Hollywood's made a few attempts to bring the world of IT into the movie theatres with the barest hint of reality associated with them (Antitrust and the Net come to mind), so I wasn't surprised to see what I thought was a trailer over the weekend for a new movie with some technology tie-in. It was called VoIP: The Movie.

From the looks of it, a some corporate type was thrown out a window -- and the detective was trying to figure out why. Maybe the person found out the wrong information and had to be silenced? Who knows. I just knew that none of the actors looked familar, but it seemed mildly interesting. But VoIP the movie? I mean, talk about focusing on one particular technology. At the end of the trailer, the url, http://www.voipthemovie.com blazed the screen, and so I decided to find out more about the film.

Well, congratulations to VoIP service provider Covad for pulling the wool over my movie-loving eyes. This was no movie -- well not one that was coming out in the theatres. It was all a very cleverly crafted marketing scheme. The site encourages you to believe this is all film hype -- the spooky music, opening intro and so forth are all help to cement that idea. However, the "movie"(read: commercial) it turns out is available online -- you can watch it on the site and find out which of the three suspects are guilty of the crime. I'm not going to give it away, but you'll definitely be...ummm...surprised by the victim and the perps?

Again, Good Job Covad. This fanboy is going to have to pay a little better attention to his movie trailers. (Note to self -- Rolaids: The Movie is probably not a real film)

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Need a Job? Send a Virus
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 11:15 AM

Techies at a British anti-virus firm have discovered something strange buried within the lines of code of two new computer worms, "MyDoom-U" and "MyDoom-V."

A request for employment.

"We searching 4 work in AV (anti-virus) industry," read the message. Because it was inserted in the code, only anti-virus professionals would be able to find it.

I can see a whole new way of applying for jobs stemming from this. People can rob banks in the hopes of getting a job as a security guard. Or how about major league baseball hopefuls can run onto the field, grab the bat out of the players hand and hit a zinger. Better yet, unemployede web producers can hack into a site and redesign it in the hopes that the folks at the company will be more impressed with the new look than angry.

I'm not sure if this is a case of ultimate hutzpah or sheer stupidity.

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Behold, the Power of Hampster
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 09:09 AM
With RFC 1149 firmly grounded in the collective consciousness, you just had to know that it was only a matter of time before someone took this notion of harnessing animal-power a little too seriously.

The Otherpower.com staff thought of building a hamster-powered nightlight a couple years ago at a rather, uh, soused company Christmas party. Then recently Analise, an 8th grader from Albuquerque, NM, contacted DanF through the AllExperts.com Science For Kids forum, asking 'Can a rodent generate enough electricity to power a light by running on it's wheel?' That was enough inspiration for us to start the project, and we soon added Skippy the Hamster to the Otherpower.com payroll.

I hope Skippy gets flex-time.

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Top Network Admin Excuse of All Time
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 04:59 PM
No one knows the trouble you've seen, especially frustrated users and corporate-bigwigs, who have no tolerance for the downtime that inevitably comes for all who brave the world of the Wide Web. It's time to take back control with this foolproof letter of apology.

Dear Corporate Users,
We have a down internet connection. It's because someone deleted the internet when they dragged the little blue 'e' to the recycle bin. We are working with our internet service provider to restore the whole world wide web from tape backup. The problem is that the offsite storage for the WWW tape backup, is on another planet and with NASA grounded we have to use one of those Russian space flights to get the tapes. So it's a little slower than a regular restore.

When the network returns to normal, send the following follow-up.

Okay folks, it would appear that the Soyuz capsule was able to retrieve the tapes and restore the WWW. Thank you Russians! Three cheers for those guys!

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How does the Web work?
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 02:48 PM
Something tells me the folks running the Official Athens 2004 website may be somewhat unfamiliar with the whole concept of the World-Wide Web. Consider the site's inbound linking policy, which states:

For your protection and ours we have established a procedure for parties wishing to introduce a link to the ATHENS 2004 website on their site.

For our protection? Is there some sort of reverse lookup boobie trap business going on here? Continue reading "How does the Web work?"


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Here Comes the Amish Virus
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 02:02 PM
One of our editors just unleashed a rather devastating virus internally, which I of course feel compelled to share with you here. Enjoy.

Amish virus

You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of the files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.
--Thank thee.

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Doom Doom Doom!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 05:20 PM

Who cares about Switches, Network Security and WLAN design? The big news today is that finally -- Doom 3 is on its way to becoming a reality. The long -delayed, highly anticipated game just went gold.

So much for quality time with my children.

(A tip of my hat, btw, to anyone who recognizes which cult cartoon the phrase "Doom Doom Doom!" comes from.)

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It's Google Vs. the Googles from Goo?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 01:42 PM

They're cute. They sing and dance. They're from another planet.

They're the Googles, and they're suing a Web Search giant near you!

Googles.com, a children's website operated by Stelor Productions, is suing Google.com, everyone's favorite search engine folks, on the grounds that Google's trademark is way to similar to the Googles.

Still with us?

Claiming "we were here first!" with their cutesy, friendly space creatures that encourage kids to laugh, play and dance, Stelor argues that Google's trademark application -- which covers a "long list of things, including children's books, stickers and clothing -- will cause nothing but confusion for fans of their interstellar stars.

Personally, I cannot fathom what kind of children's books Google.com would be able to come up with. Goldylocks and the three Googles?

The Little (Search) Engine that Could?

Hansel and Google?

But I digress.

This couldn't have ANYTHING to do with Google's going public, do you think? NAH.

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DIY Geek Furniture
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 02:59 PM
What do you do the squishy, shiny packing foam that protects your new PC in transit? If you get enough PCs, you make a squishy, shiny chair, complete with armrest cupholder. Built by Wisc.-based Bryan Berns, I'll wager that this design marvel will be the talk of the Packers Tailgate party circuit this winter.

Like they say, "one man's packing refuse is another man's Wasilly."

Continue reading "DIY Geek Furniture"


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Have a Coke and a Wiretap!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:20 AM

If you open a case of Coca-Cola this summer and spot a strange looking can with a recessed panel and buttons on the side, you won't be drinking but may be smiling.

Turns out these special cans are fitted with cell phones and global positioning chips. The push of a red button connects the dialer to the prize center where they find out if they've won anything from cash to an SUV (It's a one-way call -- so don't get any ideas about trying to dial Uncle Hector in Paraguay).

The military, however isn't quite ready to have their Coke and smile. They're concerned that the special cans -- if brought onto a base -- could be used to eavesdrop into military matters. So every can is being scrutinized before passing by the armed guards.

Hmm…Maybe Uncle Sam just likes his Pepsi?

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A New Record for...Phone Text Messaging?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 10:39 AM

Forget the world's oldest man. Never mind the largest number of hot dogs consumed in one sitting. There's a new world's record to beaten, ladies and gentlemen. A Singapore student has grabbed the honor of being the fastest mobile phone text messenger, after feverishly typing a 26 word message into her phone in 43.66 seconds.

Contestants had to type: "The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human."

Using the phone's predictive text function - that guesses words as letters are typed in - was prohibited, and marks for punctuation counted too.

So grab your cell phones, start your clocks and try typing the Gettysburg Address in 56 seconds.

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3...2...1...Moo!
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 07:55 PM

Ultimately, this isn't actually that funny a story, but California cows may have been exposed to unsafe levels of a chemical used in rocket fuel, according to a new study.

Not so funny because young children and pregnant women have to be careful when drinking milk -- the "lifting" but toxic ingredient has been linked to thyroid damage.

Still, the "Cow jumping over the moon," kinda takes on a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

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Improper Use of Tech #234-C: Test Cheating
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 11:23 AM

It never fails. Whenever technology is created to better our lives, someone comes up with a way to exploit it. Granted, it's usually a creative exploitation, such as in the case of students in Rome, Italy, who have allegedly been using their mobile phones to text message test answers or even scan in images of the exams.

Thanks to some military technology however, The Enrico Tosi Technical Institute in Northern Italy school may have a solution that could potentially prevent similar occurrences in schools all over the world.

A device call the C-Guard, jams the phone signals in a 262-foot (80-meters for our European friends) radius in enclosed spaces, thereby reaffirming our faith in the old adage, "Cheaters never win".

Well, okay...sometimes they win, but they almost always get caught.

Alright fine. Usually they aren't caught, but what goes around comes around.

OKAY! NEVER MIND! Sheesh. Jaded bunch, aint'cha?

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Old Macdonald had a Wi-Fi Farm
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 02:22 PM

E-I-E-I-O. And on his farm, he had a wireless computer network. E-I-E-I-O. With a unmanned tractor here, and automated livestock feeding there.

Eh, so it's not so catchy as the original. Nevertheless, wireless technology may end up playing a large role in rural areas, where slow-as-molasses dial up is still the forced connectivity of choice. Farmers could implement wi-fi to monitor soil moisture, control water pumps, open animal pen gates and more -- all from one location (Preferably the back porch, with a cool beer in hand).

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Top 11 Lame IT Pickup Lines
Posted By Brad Shimmin at 01:20 PM
Thanks to everyone who submitted entries for last week's call for the Top 11 lame IT pick up lines. We were stunned and impressed by the number of "quality responses." So even before we publish the final, best of the best, here's a little taste of some of our favorites. Kids, don't try these at your home bar. Continue reading "Top 11 Lame IT Pickup Lines"


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Where, oh Where has my Blog Gone?
Posted By Tom LaSusa at 09:49 AM

That's the lament of many of the bloggers who had their online journals hosted at Weblogs.com. Blog pioneer Dave Winer, who has been hosting approximately 3,000 blogs for free, has decided to pull the plug, citing a number of reasons, from expense to ailing health.

Though Dave claims he intends to offer everyone access to their archives as well as help to find alternative hosting services, there's alot of folks who would like to see his head up on the chopping blog -- er block.

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