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  CLINTON SAYS BEST MAGAZINE ISSUE EVER January 25, 1999 | |||||||||||||||
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By Fritz Nelson The endless techniques vendors use to promote and sell products could give me fodder for this column forever. In fact, when I meet vendors, I express my gratitude. My notes are often filled not with mundane product details, but rather with gaffes and asides; my e-mail folders are filled with glorious press releases like one that technology editor David Willis received: "Viagra Could Have Been Approved Sooner!" Pfizer, it says, has a new document-conversion system in conjunction with Compaq Computer Corp., Info Data and Platform Computing, and using Windows NT, that will speed drug approvals. Now if it could only help with the release of Windows 2000.
For those who haven't had enough e-commerce, Nuance Communications, "the leader in Natural Language Speech Recognition," informed us it is a member of the alliance for V-Commerce, whatever that might be. Another way to get attention is to invoke a well-known spokesperson. A rep for IBM RS/6000 media relations shouted: "VICE PRESIDENT GORE ANNOUNCES WORLD'S FASTEST COMPUTER." For the price of a night in the Lincoln Bedroom, I imagine, the vice president was kind enough to unveil "the world's fastest computer, which will break the 'speed barrier for computing' by performing 3.9 trillion calculations per second--15,000 times faster than the average desktop personal computer." If you ran Pfizer's new document conversion system on it, the baby boom would never have ended. Being editors, we also notice mistakes, like the one David Willis caught in a release for The Interactive Pager 950, which lets you "receive, respond to and initiate messages via Internet e-mail." One feature: "A full QUERTY keyboard." "Can we pay extra and get the proper QWERTY layout?" David asked. Technology editor Bruce Boardman received a release that inadvertently included a template for writing press releases: "San Francisco, September 23, 1998: When writing a press release, say who, what, where, when, why and how in the first paragraph, if you can. Study your newspaper and notice how deftly most writers work that type of information into the first paragraph of each article." And so on. I figure now anyone can do it: "BUSINESS AS USUAL DURING SUPER BOWL MADNESS. Manhasset, N.Y., January 25, 1999. Looking to survive the Super Bowl? In what President Clinton called the Best Magazine Issue Ever, Network Computing technology editor Joel Conover's "The Backbone of Your Business" (p. 36) offers a range of backbone--or B-commerce--solutions to make the game, and you, profitable and enjoyable. And Bruce Boardman's systems management--or S&M-commerce--review (p. 68) will help you fend off pesky colds and all Y2K problems. This issue of Network Computing is jam-packed with 3.9 trillion products tested--15,000 times more than the last issue." The only company we don't cover is Quest. I guess it's just a qwirk in the system. --Fritz Nelson, fnelson@nwc.com |
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One vendor sent this eye-grabber last month: "BUSINESS AS USUAL AT CHRISTMAS." It was Telstra's "Tips To Survive the Season," which pointed out that "with smart communication choices, the holiday season can be profitable and enjoyable." Wouldn't you know it, "Telstra has a range of communication solutions" to help small businesses during the holidays.
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